If being royal is so extraordinary, why do the royals want to be ordinary?

Being royal is clearly not all it is cracked up to be. Gilt here and there. Liveried footmen abound. Church bells ring on your birthday. Red carpet magically appears, the car is always filled with gas, and almost everyone is happy to see you. But for some royals, it just isn't enough. The lure of something different is irresistible. A lure that cannot be filled by private planes and beautiful clothes. For some, the siren call of elevator music is just too much to resist. We have done such a good job downplaying regular existence, the royals can't help be intrigued. For Harry and Meghan, leaving it all behind and becoming one with the rest of us. Let us welcome them.

Dear Harry and Meghan,

Welcome to your new lives. You are now, one of us. You've bemoaned your regal existence long enough. Now you are free. There is so much to introduce you to. You have probably read about us (err...Commoners) in books, or seen us on TV, but to see us in person, is to truly be believed. We will introduce you slowly to the more wonderful parts of our lives.

Most people your age are financially independent already but we understand it has been different for you. Let me say, there is truly nothing like the feeling of paying bills. Embrace feeling of relief as you make payments on time. The exhilaration of worrying whether you have enough money to cover them. Will you have to choose between eating and paying rent? Every month is a new adventure.

Of course, being a 'working royal', in the literal sense, you will need to find a job. Prince or Duchess positions are limited, and well, you wanted something new didn't you? Why play it safe? Just imagine the wonderful feeling when you finally land a position. A cubicle to call your own. You may or may not have natural light. Or co-workers who clip their nails beside you. But you'll get a security card. Trust me, there's nothing more reassuring than hearing the door buzz open. When it does, you will enjoy the exclusive privileges that come with arrival. A computer, phone, desk, chair and you might even get free coffee. You'll have to bring your own stapler.

You will need to get to work. This means you either have a car or you take transit. You know, those overpacked buses and trains? No one and we mean no one, stands on ceremony. Every person for themselves, even the pregnant and elderly. Note, unlike in your previous life, you wait for transit, it doesn't wait for you.

You may find yourself waiting in line. When you buy food, go to the bank, or when you need to renew your passport. Standing in line can be challenging, especially if you have a small child with you who suddenly needs to go to the bathroom when you're at the front of the line. This always happens. Always. Remember to fill out all the paperwork. You will now have to look after all of this yourself. Don't be alarmed when you're asked to take a photo. It's just an ID. You might find it traumatizing but this is normal. No one looks good in those photos.

From time to time you will interact with others by phone. Like the rest of us, you may spend time 'on hold'. This is perfectly normal and to be expected. It is just like waiting in line but with better music. Sometimes you will wait for 10 minutes (rare), sometimes over an hour (common). You will get disconnected, or passed from person to person, or told to call another number. Finding a helpful person is challenging, but don't give up or you'll lose your magical place in line. Only to begin the adventure all over again. Exciting isn't it?

This is now your reality. For. The. Rest. Of. Your. Lives. Day in and day out. Until. You. Die.

Harry and Meghan, where are you going?? You wanted to be ordinary, right?? Right??

© Marilyn Braun 2020

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Behold! Top 10 solutions for William and Catherine's current publicity woes

Dear William and Catherine,

It must be difficult to watch as one media outlet after another gleefully roasts both of you. The honeymoon is clearly over, you are no longer the 15 year old boy who can play the Diana card to deflect. In all honesty, it was inevitable and it is only surprising it didn't happen sooner. As the old guard get even older, did you really think you could get away with playing at normal indefinitely? Truth be told, this was a long time in coming and you only have yourselves to blame for this turn of events.

What to do?

As we speak, your PR people are no doubt cowering in fear as you rage on, denying your role in this situation. Not conducive to finding a solution, now is it? Thankfully, I'm an armchair PR expert so I've come up with some solutions for you.

In no particular order:

1. Deploy your children. Release pictures of George and Charlotte. Or more importantly Charlotte. We already know what George looks like. There is nothing like a picture of a rarely seen baby to distract from your willingness to be a future King.
2. Get pregnant. Err, I mean Catherine, not you William. Place the focus on the future, not the present. Also, now we can't say you do nothing behind the scenes.
3. Have Catherine change her hair color. Or cut it some of it off. It doesn't have to be much. Planck length should suffice. Trust me, people will notice and it may even set a trend!
4. Have Catherine wear a tiara or dig something out of the royal jewel vault that no one expects. Imagine the kerfuffle if she wore St. Edward's Crown? True, Charles will be ticked but oh well. At least Historic Royal Palaces shop will be thrilled with the extra sales.
5. At your next engagement, give some type of exclusive aside about Charlotte. Is she eating solid foods and reading Shakespeare? Fantastic! If not, make something up. As your grandmother knows, a well chosen comment can do wonders.
6. Cooperate with the media. Share information with them and look moderately pleasant. Have Catherine make eye contact with the camera and smile. It is not that difficult. Or is it?
7. Leave the pilot gig behind. Yes, I know you will probably miss the gold sticky stars the media gives you when they make you sound as if you single handedly rescued people. Don't worry, there are plenty of unearned consolation prizes to replace those gold stars.
8. Fire your PR staff and hire new ones. Or actually listen to the sensible ones if there is anyone left after the purge.
9. Give up your place in the line of succession and leave it all behind. You do want to be 'normal' don't you?
10. Do nothing. People will get bored of roasting you eventually. We are also fickle and have short memories. Just look at Charles and Camilla!

Bonus solution: Take a page from your aunt Anne and grandfather, Prince Philip, and just get on with it.

© Marilyn Braun 2016

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

LIVE Tweeting the Royal Birth

© Marilyn Braun 2015

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Contain your excitement, the Royal Baby is coming!

A royal baby is coming. And no one. I mean NO ONE. Is more excited than I am!


It is the middle of April and it could happen 'any day now.' In anticipation I am limbering up my hands and fingers in preparation for endlessly refreshing my Twitter feed for news that the new royal baby has finally arrived. My devices are fully charged. I have the latest Twitter updates. I am pumped and ready to go!


Oh yeah, royal baby. BRING IT!


'Meh, it's just the spare, right?'


Just the spare? JUST the spare? Are you kidding me?


Granted, this royal baby is not nearly as important as Prince George is supposed to be. It will not have the unearned privilege of sitting on whatever remains of the British throne. But STILL! It's a royal baby!

This time round it has become fashionable to downplay our interest. As if to avoid disappointment, we are supposed to act as though we are completely above this and show restraint. No pre-birth editions of major publications devoted to this baby's arrival. This time round the media is not allowed to camp outside of the Lindo wing until Kate is safely in the hospital. Even the Republican movement cannot move themselves to update their #bornequal hashtag for this occasion.

What is the world coming to?

(Cue violins)

Sometimes it gets lonely being the only one interested. Thank goodness for People magazine and Hello! providing me with a feast of rehashed details: Kate's birth plan. Names. Godparents. What the chosen one might wear while walking on water. All lovingly generalized by people with no insider knowledge whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder if they make things up.


Nah!


Oh well! When the time comes, I will be right there. Refreshing my twitter feed and making note of all of the excitement people predicted would never happen.


Maybe I'm not alone after all.


© Marilyn Braun 2015


Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Prince George, it's never too early to become the poster child for something

Prince George! Congratulations on your parents giving you a name! What a relief to those new parents waiting so they could name their own babies after you! Your aden + anais swaddle blankets sold out before you got home. Look at you already setting an example without realizing it. Good boy!

Clearly we need to harness this power! Think of the possibilities! Like your mother making it okay for new mothers to not instantly lose baby weight before leaving hospital, you are already the poster child for how not to strap your newborn into a car seat in front of the world media. Look at the photos, even YOU didn't look happy about it. Now newborns everywhere will know that they don't have to settle for anything less than complete safety.

Then there's food. You alone influence whether newborn babies breastfeed or not. If it is OK for you it is OK for other newborns. However, had you decided breastfeeding wasn't for you, that would have been OK too. In time, you can influence when new parents should start solid foods, eventually wean their babies and eat their vegetables. You're royal, forget being a picky eater. It. Just. Isn't. Done.

Can we talk about circumcision? Apparently your grandfather, Prince Charles was but your father wasn't. Of course this is a personal decision which you, unfortunately, have absolutely no control over. Suffice to say all of the doctors and rabbis poised with their Mogen clamps await your wails for the go-ahead.

What are you waiting for? Wake up Georgie, you can't stay in swaddle blankets forever! Like your mother's clothing, there are people out there, who can't dress their babies or potty train them. They desperately need your guidance!

Being a week old is no excuse. Only YOU can lead the way. Whether you like it or not.

© Marilyn Braun 2013

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Be afraid of the royal baby, be very afraid

Babies. Cute. Some not so cute. Cuddly. Sleeping peacefully occasionally. What harm could they possibly do?

If you're Baby Cambridge. Plenty.

Not yet born and he/she has already taken control. There is no going back.

Is it any coincidence that #royalbaby is the most re-tweeted hash tag of all time? Cup your ear to Catherine's stomach and before you get arrested you'll hear a diabolical in-utero gurgle. Or indigestion.

For the last eight months, in utero, he/she has been devising a plan for global domination. Utilizing 'royal experts' to make generalizations about his/her name, education, future. To build interest, lest we forget about his/her pending arrival.

Only Baby Cambridge knows the truth. And upon birth, all will be revealed.

Sure the pregnancy speculation was fun, intrusive, harmless, invasive. Little did we know the reality of the juggernaut of influence this child will be. The economy, fashion trends, names. This is just the beginning.

Now royal watchers and reporters are on standby, phones fully charged, ring tones on the loudest setting. Anxiously awaiting Baby Cambridge. On the day royal baby is born, legitimate news stories will be obliterated. Anyone who has the power to trend on social media while in the birth canal and make complete strangers with no vested interest rejoice is dangerous indeed.

All part of the plan to have us wrapped around his/her finger. Resistance is futile and there is no escape. One way or another, you will know he/she has arrived. Whether you want to or not.

When Catherine's labor begins, run for cover if you haven't already.

© Marilyn Braun 2013

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Catherine Cambridge is one step closer to sainthood

It's official. Since April 29th, 2011, Catherine Cambridge is the greatest person who has ever deigned to walk the earth amongst us.

We want her nose, clothes, hair, teeth and to get pregnant at the same time. Even her dog is better than yours. Don't believe me? Read this and weep at how inadequate we are in comparison. Thankfully she isn't a full time royal yet, so your work ethic is safe. Just don't get complacent.

Irrefutable proof of
our inadequacy

Everything Catherine touches turns to gold. No one goes shopping like she does. Or holds a cup of coffee with such je ne sais quoi.  she never spills and always recycles. She breathes with an élan that we can only breathlessly admire. When she gives birth, there will be no need to read the news. A star will be above the hospital guiding us to the blessed child, whose receiving blanket will sell out once he/she appears in it.

Catherine will be the perfect mother, or so we will be told. Never shall an impatient thought cross her mind. The child's diapers will be sweet. The contents capable of bringing world peace. Tied with Baby Jesus for halo size and awe inspiring serenity. He/She is already wealthier than you can ever dream of being. But this pales in comparison to having Catherine as the most perfect mother. Ever.

Yes. Catherine is the best person who ever lived. Or so we are told. When it comes to our opinions, there is no middle ground. Those who praise are sycophants, those who are critical are jealous. Only Catherine, high on her pedestal, is above it all. 

We only need to read the news to see who placed her there.

© Marilyn Braun 2013

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Don't you just love a royal scandal?

I don't know if you've noticed but lately there's been a lag in royal news. Queen Beatrix's abdication just serves as a reminder of how dull British royal news has become. It is truly a sad situation when other royal houses do more interesting things than the British do.

Case in point. The Dutch abdication is historic. Right now all we have to work with is Kate going to Starbucks and shopping at the Gap and Harry expressing ambivalence towards his destiny. Ho hum stuff. The British royal family is ripe for a royal scandal in 2013. I just know it. I'm not referring to a scandal where someone dies. Nothing that dire. No, what we need is a scandal we can sink our teeth into, one that lights up Twitter and royal message boards and inspires columnists to write sanctimonious articles that add nothing to the solution.

2012 was not a boring year. What with the photos of Harry in Las Vegas and Kate's topless photos in France. If I had known that was the best the royals could do, well I would have savored the fallout more. So far 2013 has turned out to be rather dull in this respect. True, it is January. But as February approaches, the signs are not good.

It's not as if we don't have something to look forward to. Yes, yes, I know William and Catherine's baby will arrive in July. Yes, the Queen is celebrating the anniversary of her coronation. I'm sure Charles and Camilla will take the tube again. Maybe this will be the year Princess Anne smiles.  *Yawn* Excuse me while I await the stamps, coins and multiple commemorative issues from Hello magazine.

Harry used to be the go-to royal for entertainment value. What with his rugged good looks and complete inability to distinguish from inside your head thoughts vs outside your head thoughts.Much like when Fergie reappears. It seems they can no longer shock us. It's more a case of shaking heads and sighing "OK, what did she/he do this time?" The only way Harry could shock us now is if he said something diplomatic.

I'm not picky. I'll settle for an illegitimate child, maybe someone can unexpectedly come out of the closet. If they run out of ideas they can look to the Monegasques and run off with someone from the circus or marry someone against their will!

Fingers crossed!

© Marilyn Braun 2013

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The Royal and The Clueless - Episode 21

Location: Clarence House

Staff member #1: We must find something more to do with Her Royal Highness. She's getting bored of the dog.

Staff member #2: Right, we must utilize her. I hear there's a $1000 toast rack for sale. If Catherine is seen using it then it will fly off the shelves!

Staff member #1: Maybe she could wear the Harris Tweed and kill two birds with one stone!

Prince William: I think we should leave the hunting out of it. Too much multi-tasking.

Catherine: Maybe I could do more duties?

Prince William and the others seem to notice Catherine for the first time

Prince William: Oh darling, you're back from getting your hair done?

Catherine: I...I..I've been sitting here all along..

Prince William (to his staff): What is she wearing?

Staff member #1 (consults his notes): Marc Jacobs scoop-neck peach and lilac silk blend dress with woven poppy pattern and contrasting ecru side panels

Catherine: Why is that important? I'm more than just a fashion plate, you know.  I did some research and found these causes..

Catherine holds up some papers. Staff member #2 gets up and gently takes them from her.

Prince William: Careful darling, we don't want you to get a paper cut

Catherine (angry): And what if I did? Would be far better than what I'm doing now!

Prince William (soothingly): Darling, I'm back now. We are so proud of your speech. You're taking to all of this so well. What was it Edward said? Like a 'duck to water.' But you must be exhausted so I have a surprise for you! We're going skiing!

Catherine: But, isn't there a memorial service coming up for the Queen Mother and Princess Margaret?

Prince William: We'll just tell people we have a 'prior committment'. Everyone will understand. Won't they?

The staff members nod in agreement.

Catherine: But what if they don't? Won't it look bad?

Staff member #2: Sir, maybe we could book an engagement upon your return?

Prince William: Yes something involving small children or maybe some baby animals. Catherine make sure you wear something brand new.

Catherine: I don't believe this!

Catherine sobs and runs out of the room.

Will Catherine get a paper-cut? Will she wear something new? Where is Enrique? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2012

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Pippa Middleton, close your eyes and think of England

Pippa, Pippa, Pippa..

What have you gone and done now? Complaining to your lawyers because some guys with cameras took pictures of you? Seriously what are you thinking? It's been nine months since the wedding. You should be used to the attention by now.

Sure, maybe the guy who shoved a camera in your face went too far. Forgive him, he brought a point and shoot. Smile and don't make it more difficult for him. We grudgingly admit, you are entitled to some personal space. But how else was he supposed to get the story about your pores?

Give the guy a pat on the back for originality. No one has yet to do an in depth expose about the pores on your face. Good that he had the guts to aggressively go after the story. Nominate the man for the pore reporting award. It's citizen journalists like him, moonlighting for a cleaning company, who make the world a better place.

Pippa, what do you expect? You can't have it both ways, you know. If you hadn't worn that sexy maid of honor dress, none of this would have happened. Remember the heady moment Kate asked you to be maid of honor? Really, you should have said no. But you had to go and say yes. Now who's to blame? (Don't look at us!)

Pippa, you need to think of the big picture here. We like you but you need to give us a reason to continue to do so. When you leave the safety of your home and go about your daily life, you make so many people happy. People who write about your fashions, relationships and whatever else it is that you do. It's your obligation to maintain our interest. If I can make a suggestion, mix it up a little by holding a baby or a bag of groceries. The purse and sunglasses are getting old.

But don't you dare complain. It just makes you look ungrateful. Then you unleash your lawyers on the press? Might as well drive a dagger into our hearts. When people write books about you, they will need pictures. If you don't cooperate, what then?

So smile, close your eyes and think of England.

Your future biographers will thank you.

© Marilyn Braun 2012

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Royal News Generator 2.1

Tired of waiting for Catherine to announce a pregnancy? Or for Pippa to get another parking ticket? In the interim, while we're waiting for an epic fashion disaster, I've updated my trusty royal news generator so you can create your own royal news stories.  Just like the tabloids do! Hours upon hours of fun should ensue as you go through each interesting possibility and its devastating impact on the monarchy.

Enjoy!

Choose a Royal Prince Charles The Queen Prince Philip Prince William Prince Harry Princess Michael Prince Andrew Sarah Ferguson Princess Anne Catherine

Is Has Wants Needs

Choose a Problem/Issue In Love Furious Having marital problemsJealous Lonely Seething Predicting the end of the worldParental Approval Disappointed Won't abdicate Jealous Amused Not Amused Incandescent with rage Having an affair with a topless model Pregnant Not PregnantRecycling clothing Texting

With In Because Because of

Choose a person Chelsy Davy Catherine Prince Harry Prince William Princess Michael Prince Philip Camilla Pippa MiddletonThe Ghost of Diana Mohammed Al Fayed Sarah Ferguson

Of WithIs Because Because They Because they're Because He Because SheHas HaveWantsis bored

Choose a reason EnviousWon't go quietly Wants to be sovereign Too thinHungry for power Self-esteem issuesWon't wear something newDesperate Curious Attracted to themFrugal Pregnant Not PregnantGetting engagedGetting divorced

Which will result in

Choose a result An epic Constitutional Crisis worse than Edward VIII in 1936 The Queen Abdicating A Shotgun Wedding The continuation of the Windsor Dynasty The End of the Monarchy The End of the WorldInteresting Reading Controversy A Reality Show Conspiracy TheoriesAn Oprah Winfrey SeriesNothing

Royal Watchers Are

Choose what they're doing In a tizzy Blogging Bemused Stunned Shocked Fervently DiscussingWatching CelebratingGloating Running for coverTweeting

And Predicting

Choose a Prediction The End of the Monarchy

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.Read more...

Catherine Cambridge, use your fashion powers wisely

Dear Catherine, err Your Royal Highness:

It was with great alarm that I read the title of the following article 'Kate Middleton made us a nation of nude-ists'. My first thought is that you had set another trend, this time for going without clothes. While you can pull this off and some would regard this as "liberating," I feel that you might be abusing your fashion power over us.

Imagine my relief when I realized this article was about your shoes. However looking at the bigger picture I can't help but wonder whether we are headed in this direction. This concerns me. Many trends that have laid dormant for years should not be brought back (the corset, platform shoes, polyester pant-suits, anything from the 1970s/ early 1980s). No matter how much fashion designers lack inspiration. It is one thing to recycle ideas in the film industry; few films have the ability to embarrass the collective consciousness. Whereas what we wear/don't wear could adversely affect our job prospects. You don't have to worry about this so it is of no concern to you as you recklessly change fashions at whim with no thought for the rest of us.

Take for instance your hats. Persist with this and we could become a nation of people wearing over sized potato chips/satellite dishes on our heads. The chaos that could ensue at baseball games and the movies is a frightening thought. Skinny jeans or hot pants on the wrong figure is a horrifying image. Depending on the season/climate pantyhose, no matter how sheer, is simply irresponsible.

I fear for the future and where this could lead. What's next? Leggings? Popped collars? Shoulder-pads? Crimped hair? I almost fear you taking this as a challenge when you're bored in Anglesey.

Whatever you do, keep your clothes on. People will thank you for it, myself included.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

The World According to Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

Forget President Obama or Queen Elizabeth, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge is the most influential person on the planet.

Don't believe me?

No other woman can be said to influence everything from pantyhose to the economy. Her wedding even affected the environment. That's how powerful she is. Is it any accident that after her break-up with William in April 2007 that by July, Venus and Saturn were in conjunction? Coincidence? I think not.

We may think that her impact is limited to frivolous fashion choices. Not so! The Media, Hair & Beauty, Technology, Health Care, Travel and Food industries have all experienced the Kate-effect. Who else could change the landscape of the automotive industry by increasing the value of a 2001 Volkswagen Golf?

Clearly a one woman juggernaut of global influence.

However, not everything she touches turns to gold. Case in point, her royal wedding affected the mating patterns of red grouse. The UK economy also took a hit. As well, invoking the royal wedding couldn't even revive Jerry Seinfeld's career. You win some, you lose some.

Luckily she uses her powers for good; raising awareness about affordable flights between Edinburgh and Manchester. The proper etiquette for returning shopping trolleys. As well as highlighting the dangers of putting a maid of honor in a flattering dress.

Catherine's reach is so powerful it even extends into other galaxies! Maybe UFO's are trying to gain a better understanding of this phenomenon.

When they come to a conclusion let's hope they return so they can explain it to us.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Time to face reality, maybe Catherine Cambridge isn't cut out to be royal

Let's face it, maybe Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge isn't cut out to be royal.

Sure one could say she's still on the learning curve but so far it doesn't look good for Catherine. It seems the royals have reason to be concerned. In fact, this could be bigger than the abdication crisis.

The problem?

Catherine is too independent. She still has silly ideas about 'doing things herself'.  Days after her wedding, when we saw her at the supermarket, pushing her own trolley, it wasn't just an act. She  genuinely seems to be resisting conforming to the royal way of doing things.

From the time of her engagement to the wedding day she was supposed to get all of that out of her system. Doesn't she know that once she has the wedding ring on her finger she was supposed to give all of that up?

(*Gasp*) I'll bet she still squeezes her own toothpaste!

That's semi-acceptable in private, but when she's in public it's an issue. For instance, on her upcoming trip to Canada and the United States, Catherine will not be bringing a dresser with her. Unsurprisingly, this is eliciting shocked responses from the media. Doesn't she know that dressing herself just isn't done?

Queen Victoria must be rolling over in her grave.

If Catherine wants to survive in the royal system, she has to learn a new way of not doing things for herself. A special type of learned helplessness exclusive to royalty. No longer should her hands touch a door-handle. Running her own bath? Forget it. Using her own utensils is borderline. Allowable only after she's been shown the royal way of not using them. Have you ever seen a photo of the Queen holding a fork? I rest my case.

There are encouraging signs. Thankfully she's come to her senses and is bringing a hairdresser along. She's already unlearnt how to use a brush. Given time, she'll unlearn how to do her own makeup.

Maybe just maybe, there's hope for her yet.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

 Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Pippa Middleton is a pain in the butt

I don't know about you but I'm getting kind of tired of hearing about Pippa Middleton's butt.

Since she sashayed into the collective consciousness with that kick-ass bridesmaids dress, people can't seem to get enough of her. Except maybe her sister. Sunday dinners at the Middleton's must be a bummer now.

Sure she looked nice, but must we really be subjected to continuously reading about her posterior? News stories such as plastic surgeons being inundated with requests for similar buns? The secret behind her tush is Pilate's? Obviously these news stories are designed to make the rest of lazy-bums feel inadequate.

If fame can be defined as being nominated for the cheeky sounding Britain's Rear of the Year, then Pippa has finally made it to the big leagues. (How do you put that award on your mantle anyways?)

Fame is fleeting, the best advice is for Pippa to put it all behind her. If she needs a kick in the rear, no doubt Kate will be first in line.

At least we know that this can't last forever. Or will we be reading about that too? "No it's all natural" she'll say, at the age of 99. Those of us still alive by that point will scoff. Every ones fanny succumbs to gravity sooner or later.

No if ands or butts.

OK, I'll stop now.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

7 reasons why the royal wedding WILL happen, or else..

I recently had someone find my blog using the search term 'reasons why the royal wedding should not happen'. Given that there are only a few weeks until the wedding, this a strange thing to search for. Not that it isn't possible the royal wedding could be cancelled but I think it's unlikely. To reassure those who might be worried, I've decided to counter this question with 7 reasons why the royal wedding WILL happen.

1) The tea towels have been prepared, along with other tacky souvenirs

Flashback 1981: Andrew Morton's book, Diana a True Story, page 64. Diana recalls that during lunch with her sisters she discussed backing out and they replied 'Bad luck Duch' (family nickname), 'Your face is on the tea-towels so you're too late to chicken out now.'  30 years later those words still ring true.

2) We are expecting it happen, therefore it MUST happen

Think of the chaos that would ensue should William, or Kate decide - 'nah, not for me' and bail. CNN would have to pull the 400 reporters and crew they have sent to the wedding. Twitter and royal message boards would fire up, eviscerating those responsible. The UFOs would have to find intelligent life elsewhere. The universe would cave in on itself....

3) The Republican movement needs this wedding

Believe it or not, the republican movement likes the royal wedding. Why? Because it illustrates the excess that the royal family is famous for. With no royal wedding they have no bandwagon to jump on. Then what would they do with their royal wedding mugs?

4) The Royal Family does not need more bad publicity

It's true. They may not even survive the fallout from it. This could be the biggest crisis the royal family has ever had to deal with. Abdication crisis? Big deal. Camillagate - who cares? Diana's death - minor roadblock. It must go ahead, if only to save face.

5) What would royal bloggers and royal watchers (Read: ME) discuss?

Royal blogs do not update themselves, they need material. Without material there is nothing to write about. Once I've we've milked this topic from every conceivable angle for six months, what else would there be to discuss? If there is no wedding then I we cannot predict when the royal divorce will occur. All of the potential topics will be gone. I would We'd have to wait for someone to die in order to recover from the ordeal..

6) Prince William and Kate Middleton would never live it down

There's nothing like dumping your intended at the altar to destroy your reputation. Makes for passably good Rom-Coms, but in reality it's a different story. If Prince William ditches Kate then Prince Harry might just have to step up to the plate. His face is already on the souvenir mug. Instead of seeing this as a mistake, it could be remarkably prescient.

7) We deserve a happy ending

We have waited a long time for this wedding. Endured mystified looks from our friends. Bought overpriced, official commemorative items (See #1). We've followed the torturous ups, downs and tabloid invented close-calls. Our dedication to paying attention to gossipy news stories must be rewarded, damnit!

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Is Prince William's hair destroying the monarchy?

The monarchy is facing its biggest crisis to date and they're powerless to do anything to prevent it. They didn't see it coming. Who would have thought it could ever happen? It started about five years ago, slowly chipping away at the the very foundation the monarchy prides itself on.

Its good looks.

Everything they hold sacred as the arbiters of style is at risk. Thank goodness for Kate Middleton. Her long, glossy locks will shore up the ranks. But for now the royals are in trouble. A recent poll showed that Britons want Charles as king instead of William. No wonder. Charles has more hair than William. Coincidence? I think not.

Who is ultimately to blame for William's hair? Diana's father, Earl Spencer was balding therefore it must be her fault. She has obviously done more damage to the monarchy than first thought. Luckily Prince Harry inherited genes from his father otherwise there would be no hope left for the monarchy as we know it. Enter the republican movement at stage right.

The media is already asking tough questions on whether Prince William is losing his appeal. Where's a celebrity scandal when you need it? Isn't there a disaster in another country? No, this is just too big an issue. We cannot ignore reality even if the royal family wants us to. If only there was a big event with lots of pagentry to distract us from the inevitable. So we can celebrate while we still have reason to.

On his wedding day, all eyes will be on Prince William. After all, he is the future of the monarchy. Billions of people watching the gradual demise of the royal family. This could get depressing. Let's hope William's uniform comes with a hat.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Note: This article is meant to be satirical. I think Prince William looks perfectly fine. :) Kate Middleton is a lucky woman who obviously loves him and her opinion is the only one that counts in this respect.

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 20

On the last episode of The Royal and the Clueless, Enrique tried to convince Kate that an engagement would never happen. He threatened to quit and because his character no longer served a useful purpose, his resignation was accepted. With an engagement having been announced, Prince William & Kate Middleton, err..Catherine make wedding plans in earnest. They are currently reviewing the music selections.

Prince William: I really like Snoop Dog's song..

Catherine: I think Elton would be a better choice. You do want your mother to be a part of our day, don't you?

Prince William: Yes, but we can't go overboard. You're already wearing her dress, which you'll look beautiful in. I...errr...Mummy would be so happy!

Catherine: Do you think they'll be pleased?

Prince William: Who darling?

Catherine: Everyone, of course!

Prince William: What do you mean by 'everyone'?

Catherine: All of the people who are waiting for details about our wedding. People all over the world. Everyone wants to know.

Prince William: True, it's cruel to keep them waiting for information isn't it?

Catherine: Sometimes I feel so bad...

Prince William: There, there darling. Everyone must understand how stressful this is to you.

Catherine: The ring, the engagement pictures, our interview...we can't seem to please everyone

Prince William: We can't give up, we must keep trying!

Despite resigning in the last episode, Enrique mysteriously appears out of nowhere

Enrique: You do realize that not everyone cares about you, right?

Prince William looks around for servants and realizes he doesn't have any

Prince William: How did you get in here?

Enrique: the plot was meandering, I couldn't help myself

Enrique thumbs his nose at Marilyn as she writes this episode. A stapler materializes and Enrique winces at the memory.  Catherine doesn't notice it. Yet.

Catherine: But everyone must care. It can't be that there are people who don't care about us?

Catherine starts sobbing. William tries to comfort her.

Enrique: (exasperated) You're not the centre of the universe you know!

Prince William: Yes, we know, Charlotte Church is. Everyone knows that.

Catherine: (looks perturbed) Yes, that's why we announced more wedding details. Everyone will be so pleased!

Prince William: Brilliant plan darling

Enrique: (muttering under his breath) Has everyone lost their minds?

The stapler mysteriously inches closer to Enrique

Catherine: (frowning) What did you say?

Prince William: Never mind him darling...we must get back to work..everyone is waiting..

Can William and Catherine please everyone? Is everyone really waiting for details? Will Enrique take the hint? Will Catherine notice the stapler? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless

 © Marilyn Braun 2010

Why Prince William & Kate Middleton's engagement is a second best royal news story

Not to sound ungrateful.

I am extremely happy that Prince William and Kate Middleton have just announced their engagement to the world and put all of us out of our will-he/won't-he/should-she misery.

But, I feel a tad unsatisfied with this royal  news story. Sure it has all of the elements of romance and the elusive happily ever after. The afterglow will carry me for a week or so until the news dies down. We can now look forward to months and months of speculation, waiting for the wedding date announcement and then the wedding itself. It's almost agonizing in its lack of immediateness.

This is quite the contrast to the ultimate royal news story: death.

Yes, the great royal leveller. A royal death news story has a lot of advantages. It's immediate, occasionally unsurprising and filled more intense emotion depending on where he/she was on the royal food chain. For instance, say someone who is 355th in line to the throne will not elicit the same interest as, what I like to call a Royal Big 5 death. Who is on that list? The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Charles, Prince William and Prince Harry. When any of them die I know who I would buy souvenirs for.

When one of them dies there will be massive coverage and it will be immediate. Given the time-sensitivity of the occasion, this event cannot, unfortunately, be drawn out. It would be inappropriate. There will be no months upon months of waiting. If two or more of them die it could be extremely interesting to discuss what precedence the coffins will enter Westminster Abbey in. See? How much more interesting this coverage is?

Unlike death, royal weddings are a more difficult event to relate to. After all, we all die, right? Most of us will never wear tiaras, ride in glass carriages or have a golden page in the history books. It's enough to make you jealous. See, that doesn't happen with death now does it? No one gets jealous so we bypass that emotion altogether.

Like royal weddings we also see commemorative souvenirs. But better. I can't think of the last time I saw royal death tankards at a garage sale. Commemorative royal death mugs are different in the amount of guilt involved in throwing them away. They're an investment you can sell on eBay. Unlike royal wedding china, which you can't give away because there's so much of it.

Those souvenirs will have to wait. The reality is, we have a royal wedding to look forward to.

I guess it's better than nothing.

© Marilyn Braun 2010

Kate Middleton sends her regrets

I'm a young, tall and beautiful woman who has been dating a prince for several years. My problem is that I'm having difficulty trying to live up to every single persons expectations about how I should behave/act/work/dress. Currently people are complaining that I didn't reply to an invitation to a charity function. How can I handle this situation in the future.

Dear modest princess-in-waiting,

This must be a difficult situation for you. How to graciously decline various invitations sent or not sent to you. You can't win, can you? There's only so much time in the day, better spent asking me for advice. It's almost as if you're the only 'young, tall, beautiful woman who has been dating a prince for several years' who has ignored an invitation. Come to think of it, you are.

However, having pointed that out, you're not the only person in the whole entire world who has ignored, backtracked or come up with some clever excuse to decline an invitation - [ahem, YOU know who YOU are]. There are many ways to creatively decline: you could claim illness, a sudden death of a beloved pet, or a previous (read: more interesting) engagement. For instance:

'I cannot attend because I'm unwell due to the death of my beloved pet and missing the funeral would look insensitive'

Add the word 'devastated' and you may get some flowers and a casserole out of it to boot.

Anyhoo, according to Google search results, proper etiquette states that you should, at minimum, acknowledge the invitation. This will, hopefully avoid those vindictive, do-gooder, charitable-types who sell their story to the press. Acknowledging could have bought you some time and it would have made you look good. As well, it would have deflected attention away from your parents X-Factor debacle. Where is Uncle Gary when you need him?

Remember, you are never safe from public opinion and you really should have known better. You can only coast on the wave of an imaginative wedding hat for so long. 

© Marilyn Braun 2010