The Royal and The Clueless - Episode 21

Location: Clarence House

Staff member #1: We must find something more to do with Her Royal Highness. She's getting bored of the dog.

Staff member #2: Right, we must utilize her. I hear there's a $1000 toast rack for sale. If Catherine is seen using it then it will fly off the shelves!

Staff member #1: Maybe she could wear the Harris Tweed and kill two birds with one stone!

Prince William: I think we should leave the hunting out of it. Too much multi-tasking.

Catherine: Maybe I could do more duties?

Prince William and the others seem to notice Catherine for the first time

Prince William: Oh darling, you're back from getting your hair done?

Catherine: I...I..I've been sitting here all along..

Prince William (to his staff): What is she wearing?

Staff member #1 (consults his notes): Marc Jacobs scoop-neck peach and lilac silk blend dress with woven poppy pattern and contrasting ecru side panels

Catherine: Why is that important? I'm more than just a fashion plate, you know.  I did some research and found these causes..

Catherine holds up some papers. Staff member #2 gets up and gently takes them from her.

Prince William: Careful darling, we don't want you to get a paper cut

Catherine (angry): And what if I did? Would be far better than what I'm doing now!

Prince William (soothingly): Darling, I'm back now. We are so proud of your speech. You're taking to all of this so well. What was it Edward said? Like a 'duck to water.' But you must be exhausted so I have a surprise for you! We're going skiing!

Catherine: But, isn't there a memorial service coming up for the Queen Mother and Princess Margaret?

Prince William: We'll just tell people we have a 'prior committment'. Everyone will understand. Won't they?

The staff members nod in agreement.

Catherine: But what if they don't? Won't it look bad?

Staff member #2: Sir, maybe we could book an engagement upon your return?

Prince William: Yes something involving small children or maybe some baby animals. Catherine make sure you wear something brand new.

Catherine: I don't believe this!

Catherine sobs and runs out of the room.

Will Catherine get a paper-cut? Will she wear something new? Where is Enrique? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2012

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 20

On the last episode of The Royal and the Clueless, Enrique tried to convince Kate that an engagement would never happen. He threatened to quit and because his character no longer served a useful purpose, his resignation was accepted. With an engagement having been announced, Prince William & Kate Middleton, err..Catherine make wedding plans in earnest. They are currently reviewing the music selections.

Prince William: I really like Snoop Dog's song..

Catherine: I think Elton would be a better choice. You do want your mother to be a part of our day, don't you?

Prince William: Yes, but we can't go overboard. You're already wearing her dress, which you'll look beautiful in. I...errr...Mummy would be so happy!

Catherine: Do you think they'll be pleased?

Prince William: Who darling?

Catherine: Everyone, of course!

Prince William: What do you mean by 'everyone'?

Catherine: All of the people who are waiting for details about our wedding. People all over the world. Everyone wants to know.

Prince William: True, it's cruel to keep them waiting for information isn't it?

Catherine: Sometimes I feel so bad...

Prince William: There, there darling. Everyone must understand how stressful this is to you.

Catherine: The ring, the engagement pictures, our interview...we can't seem to please everyone

Prince William: We can't give up, we must keep trying!

Despite resigning in the last episode, Enrique mysteriously appears out of nowhere

Enrique: You do realize that not everyone cares about you, right?

Prince William looks around for servants and realizes he doesn't have any

Prince William: How did you get in here?

Enrique: the plot was meandering, I couldn't help myself

Enrique thumbs his nose at Marilyn as she writes this episode. A stapler materializes and Enrique winces at the memory.  Catherine doesn't notice it. Yet.

Catherine: But everyone must care. It can't be that there are people who don't care about us?

Catherine starts sobbing. William tries to comfort her.

Enrique: (exasperated) You're not the centre of the universe you know!

Prince William: Yes, we know, Charlotte Church is. Everyone knows that.

Catherine: (looks perturbed) Yes, that's why we announced more wedding details. Everyone will be so pleased!

Prince William: Brilliant plan darling

Enrique: (muttering under his breath) Has everyone lost their minds?

The stapler mysteriously inches closer to Enrique

Catherine: (frowning) What did you say?

Prince William: Never mind him darling...we must get back to work..everyone is waiting..

Can William and Catherine please everyone? Is everyone really waiting for details? Will Enrique take the hint? Will Catherine notice the stapler? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless

 © Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 19

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Prince William caught girlfriend Kate Middleton in Enrique's clutches. In an effort to avoid future awkward situations, Enrique was sent on a global tour to promote awareness of the lack of Party Supplies in Third World Countries. Enrique, recently returned from his tour, demoralized but with a thicker skin, tries to avoid Kate - to no avail.

Enrique: (*sigh*) Bono refused to meet with me

Kate: You think you have problems!

Enrique notes that Kate is pouting. Her mother Carole sits beside Kate, consoling her.

Enrique: What is it now?

Kate: (whimpering) William (*sob*) says (*sob*) his 'whole heart is with the Army' (*sob*)

Enrique smolders as he considers this new development

Carole: Nothing to fret about dear.

Carole suddenly visibly brightens

Carole: The word 'Army' must be code for Kate!

Enrique shakes his head

Kate: Oh Mummy, what will I do?

Carole: You'll just have to take a different approach, that's all.

Carole thinks for a moment and comes up with an idea.

Carole: We'll have to put you in camouflage!

Enrique: What?

Carole: They wear camouflage in the Army, right?

Enrique: Well, yes but..

Kate: Oh that's a brilliant idea!

Carole: We'll get you all kitted out! Vest, helmet, machine gun, the works!

Kate, looks hopeful. Enrique looks anxious. He rubs the scar from the stapler incident in episode 7

Enrique: Mrs Middleton?

Carole (gathering momentum): We'll sign you up for tank driving lessons!

Kate: Yes, Mummy! yes!!

Enrique kneels before Kate and takes her hands in his.

Enrique: Kate, do you think this is a sign?

Kate: A sign of what?

Enrique: You've given up everything, you've taken voice lessons and still...

Carole: (firmly) Never mind! I will not give up! It will be worth it in the end!

Kate: (confused) What?

Enrique: (delicately) Kate, maybe it's time to face reality?

Carole: Don't give up now Kate! The prize is in sight!

Enrique: No, Kate, don't...

Kate looks from her mother to Enrique, unsure of what to do next. Carole helps Kate to her feet and leads Kate away.

Carole: Kate, maybe Daddy can give you flying lessons....

Enrique gets up slowly and sighs

Enrique: I quit

Will Enrique really quit when there's so much potential in the storyline? Does Kate look good in camouflage? Will she learn how to drive a tank? Will she finally face reality?

Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 18

On the last episode of The Royal and The Clueless, Kate Middleton and her smouldering co-worker Enrique went shopping in the hopes of getting Prince William's attention. Kate, left behind on William's tour of New Zealand and Australia, follows the coverage intently, especially after William makes a telling remark. Kate rushes over to Enrique with the newspaper in hand.

Kate: Look Enrique, William accepted gifts for me from the crowd! And when one woman asked him whether he would be getting married soon he said 'Wait and See'! Oh, let's go shopping for a wedding dress!

Delighted, Kate twirls around and looks off into the dreamy distance as Enrique continues reading.

Enrique: Wait. A day later William was asked what he wanted for lunch and he said 'wait and see'.

Kate: Well, he's always been somewhat indecisive. But he still said 'wait and see' for marriage plans...

Enrique: You mean he can't even decide what he wants for lunch?

Kate: Yes, sometimes it's best not to give William too many choices. He tends to get overwhelmed. One time, we went out to a club and he couldn't decide what he wanted to drink. We didn't get out of there until 2:00AM.

Enrique: And you actually want to marry this guy?

Kate looks anxious, her brow furrowed and her lips forming a pout.

Kate: He has to make up his mind at some point..this can't go on forever...can it?

Enrique gets up and goes to Kate, holding her close.

Enrique: You deserve better, Kate. Run away with me, you know you want to.

Just then Prince William comes to Kate's home bearing gifts he was given on his tour. He sees Kate in Enrique's clutches.

William: Kate!

Kate: William!

Enrique: Kate!

Kate looks at William and then at Enrique, then back at William.

Will Kate be forced to choose between William and Enrique? Will Enrique be written out for making things too complicated...

Enrique: Hey....

Wait and see on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless

© Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 17

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Kate took speech lessons from Enrique and broke out into song. During her lessons, engagement speculation reached fever pitch, yet William had not proposed. On this episode Kate, frustrated with a lack of engagement, decides to take a different approach.

Kate: I've tried everything, and William still hasn't proposed. I've taken up hunting, canoodled by dead pheasants, shown an interest in his polo even though I'm allergic to horses...

Enrique: Wearing the cardboard sign didn't work?

Kate: No, he's still trying to read it.

Enrique nodded, perplexed. William obviously isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer but he should be able to read. He thought for a moment rubbing the perfectly trimmed stubble on his chin. Suddenly an idea came to him. No, it couldn't work. It's too simple. Even for William. Enrique mulls it over and starts to warm to the idea.

Enrique: Have you tried wearing the color blue?

Kate: What?

Enrique: The color blue. You're attending a wedding aren't you? You should wear a blue outfit. You can accessorize it with shiny objects. That will get his attention!

Kate: That is a brilliant idea!

Enrique grabs Kate's hand and takes her shopping. 10 stores later, Kate finally comes out of the change room and models the outfit she's chosen. She twirls around in a gray blue dress pleased with herself.

Kate: What do you think?

Enrique (shaking his head): That's Wallis blue. It might remind him of the abdication.

Kate goes to try another dress on. She comes out wearing baby blue.

Enrique: No, that might be too much pressure on him. Wear that once the ring is on your finger.

Kate: Why does the dress have to be blue? Why not purple?

Enrique: Purple is the color of royalty. They might think that you're getting too ahead of yourself. Stay away from all purples.

Kate goes and changes into another dress, this time in royal blue.

Enrique, smouldering and intense, walks over to Kate. He takes her into his arms and looks deeply into her eyes, his face inches from hers. When he speaks his voice now sounds like Antonio Banderas.

Enrique: If I were William (Enrique pauses for effect). I would propose on the spot.

A few days later at the wedding. William comes up to Kate and leans in to kiss her. He stops and looks her up and down.

William: Wow, shiny objects!

Can Prince William stop staring at Kate's shiny objects? Does he have competition in the smouldering form of Enrique? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 16

On the last episode of The Royal and The Clueless, Kate Middleton vowed to make better use of her time. Recently recorded speaking in public for the first time, Kate decides to work on her enunciation with her co-worker Enrique.

Kate: Do you think I sounded okay on that YouTube video?

Enrique: Darling, you did a great job. I can hear you thanking small children for posies in that voice. But there's still work to do. Let's begin: "The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain.."

Kate: The rine in spine sties minely in the pline

Enrique: It's 'the *rain* in *Spain* stays *mainly* in the *plain*.

Kate: Didn't ah sy that?

Enrique: (sighs) Kate, you speak as well as you roller-skate. Now I want you to say it fifty times until you get it.

3 days later

Kate: The rine in spine sties minely in the pline..

Enrique slaps the palm of his hand to his forehead in frustration.

Enrique: No, no, no..the *rain* in *Spain*...

2 Weeks Later

Kate: The rine in..

Enrique (with exaggerated calm): Kate, you must work on this. A lady speaks properly. If you work hard you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, have lots to eat, and money to buy lots of chocolates. We shall take you to Buckingham Palace, beautifully dressed. If the Queen finds out you're not a lady, you will be taken to the Tower of London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other wannabe royal girlfriends. But if you are not found out you shall have a golden page in the history books. Now let's try it again. 'The..

Kate: Rain in...

Enrique: By George I think she's got it! Where does it rain?

Kate (sings): On the plain..on the plain!

Enrique winces at her singing.

Enrique: And where is that plain?

Kate: (sings) In Spain, in Spain

Enrique: I think you've got it. But seriously, stop singing.

Can Enrique get Kate to stop singing? Will she learn how to speak better than she roller-skates? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

The Royal and The Clueless - Episode 15

On this episode of The Royal and The Clueless, Kate sits at her desk at work. She has just finished listening to her favorite podcast - The Royal Report. Kate thoughtfully ponders the topic of the recent show - Why are people so fascinated by Kate Middleton? She starts searching on the Internet for the answer when Enrique, still smouldering, comes up behind her.

Enrique: What are you doing?

Kate: Marilyn did a great episode this week called Why are we so fascinated by Kate Middleton? And I started thinking. Why are people so fascinated with me? So I'm just looking for some answers. I want to understand it better.

Enrique: What have you found so far?

Kate: Well there's this blog which is discussing the topic intelligently. But now I've found this forum...

Enrique: Wow, do those forum* members have lives?

Kate: *Sigh* I don't know. I don't understand. They've never met me yet they hate me so much...

Enrique: Hmmm...What does it say there?

Kate: It says they want me dead.

Enrique: They can't possibly be serious?

Kate: It must be a figure of speech.

Enrique: No, I don't think so. They must not know the definition of the word dead.

He grabs a dictionary and starts to read

Enrique: 'Having lost life, no longer alive..no longer in existence'

Kate: Do you think they're jealous?

Enrique: They say they aren't but obviously they doth protest too much. I guess they don't know the definition of that word either?

Enrique flips to the definition of jealous.

Enrique: 'Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness'. It looks like they really enjoy bashing you..page after page..entire threads devoted to bashing you..

Kate: I guess I'm not the only one without a job

Enrique: Ain't that the TRUTH!

On the next episode of The Royal and The Clueless, Kate decides to make better use of her time.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

* Any similarity to any particular forum threads is purely a coincidence.

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 14

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Kate had a dream that she was 80 and still dating Prince William. Awoken from this dream by the smouldering yet professionally dressed Enrique, Kate vowed to do things differently. She mysteriously disappeared shortly afterwards, leaving royal watchers in a frenzy over her location and whether she was still doing things she should be doing differently. This week, Chelsy Davy broke up with Prince Harry, thus putting more pressure on Kate. Before he leaves for his helicopter training course, William has organized a special tyrst at the stables at Windsor.

Prince William: You know, when I read the reports that said that you were allergic to horses, it greatly concerned me.

Kate: (congested) Those media types never get it right.

Prince William: After all, riding is our life. It's the only thing we royals know how to do properly.

Kate is trying to stifle a sneeze

Kate: Yes, you look so good on parade. All those shiny medals....

Kate's eyes start to water. William looks at Kate. He is touched.

William: Yes it really is moving isn't it? Watching us on parade. I never get the chance to watch myself but it must be impressive.

Kate: (extremely congested and nasally) There's no where else I'd rather be.

William: But there's more to it than parades. There's polo. A royal wife must be able to watch me from the sidelines. It's a tradition. And then stomp the divots during champagne and canapes. (Wistfully) It must be so much fun.

William, pulls her towards him. Kate, unable to hold it any longer, sneezes.

William: Are you okay my darling?

Kate: (nasally) I have a confession to make William

William: (offering her a handkerchief) Yes darling?

Kate: I am allergic to horses

William: (lets Kate go) Oh, I see.

Kate: But, I can still stomp the divots!

William: (brightly) Yes, that's right, you can still stomp the divots. And watch me play polo.

Kate: (blowing her nose) I'll never miss a match

William smiles and grabs a bouquet of flowers that he had hidden in one of the stalls. He hands then to Kate.

William: Well, at least you're not allergic to flowers.

Kate looks at the bouquet wanly and sneezes.

Is Kate allergic to flowers too? Does this spoil her chances of becoming royal? Why isn't Enrique in this episode? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal and The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 13

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate had been kidnapped by a militant group of Kate-haters called Kate-Haters R Us. While they were distracted Enrique agreed to rescue Kate after being given full credit and his own office. Kate is now back at work but tired from her ordeal, falls asleep at her desk. In her dreams it is now 2062. William and Kate, both 80 years old, are still dating; which has broken the record for the longest royal courtship in history. She is at her desk, bent over, still trying to figure out how to use a stapler. Kate, her hair still inexplicably brown and glossy, receives a phone call on whatever technology exists at that time.

William: Hello darling

Kate: What? Who is this?

William: It's William

Kate: Who?

William shouts down the line: It's WILLIAM. Remember, your boyfriend?

Kate: Oh yes, that's right. What do you want?

William: Well, Granny is having a party to celebrate her 136th birthday and I'd like you to come with me.

Kate: Another birthday? She's really getting up there isn't she?

William: Papa says that all the time

Kate: I thought he was cryogenically frozen?

William: We've unthawed him for this event. He looks very good, not a day over 100.

Kate: I don't know William, I'll have to check my calendar.

William: Hello! will be there..

Kate: Who?

William: I SAID HELLO! WILL BE THERE

Kate: Yes, hello, who are you?

William: (*Sigh*) As your boyfriend and future sovereign I demand that you do my bidding..

Kate: Oh put a sock in it!

William: What?

Kate: PUT A SOCK IN IT! You've kept me waiting long enough!

William: Well I guess I'll have to find someone else to take to the party then..There are lots of women who want to go out with me...

Kate: Who? Everyone you've ever dated is dead. All of our friends are dead. We're the only ones left.

William: Harry and Chelsy will be able to set me up with someone.

Kate: How long have they been married anyways?

William: 52 years

Kate: Why couldn't that have been us?

William: What?

Kate: I SAID WHY COULDN'T THAT HAVE BEEN US?

William: I can't hear you. What are you saying?

Kate: Why haven't you married me?

William: Well, I've been so busy. What with the flying, royal duties, dancing with blonde's in bars..

Kate: Excuses, excuses

William: Are you coming with me or not? I can be at your backyard in half an hour.

Kate: I can't do this anymore

William: You can't do what anymore?

Kate: I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore...

Kate wakes up at her desk. Enrique, intense and smouldering yet professionally dressed, stands over her.

Kate: (Wipes drool from the side of her mouth. There is an imprint of a stapler on the side of her face) What's going on?

Enrique: You were having a nightmare. You kept saying you can't do this anymore. Over and over.

Kate: (Confused) No, I meant I can't fall asleep at my desk any more..

Will Enrique believe Kate's lame excuse? Will Kate continue doing what she's going? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 12

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, after Kate dropped off The co-worker a few cubicles over who calls himself Enrique (Or TCWAFCOWCHE for short) at an undisclosed location Kate was caught with a cell phone in her hand whilst sitting in the drivers seat of a car. Kate was brought in for questioning and was grilled by Good Cop and Bad Cop. After being released without any charges being laid, Kate was subsequently kidnapped by a militant group known as Kate-Haters R Us, and taken to an undisclosed location not far from where TCWAFCOWCHE was dropped off. Presently Kate, hands tied behind her back and hooded is led into a sparse room. One of the kidnappers takes the hood off Kate and unties her hands. Kate shakes out her glossy hair and looks around a dingy basement apartment filled with IKEA furniture.

Kate: (Recoiling from the surroundings) Where am I?

Kate-Hater #1: We can't tell you that

Kate: Why am I here? What are you planning to do with me?

Kate-Hater #2: Well..we haven't decided yet..

Kate: You're a disorganized lot aren't you? Don't you think that people are going to miss me? What are people going to discuss on message boards now? Who are they going to Kate-bash? What will Hello! do without me on their cover?

Kate-Hater #1: Good point. I never thought of that. What are we..err..people on message boards supposed to do now?

Kate-Hater #2: There has to be someone else?

Kate-Hater #1: Chelsy?

Kate-Hater #2: I rather like Chelsy

Kate_Hater #1: Me too. Unlike Kate here she isn't waiting around. She's independent.

Kate-Hater #2: So therefore we can't bash Chelsy. Who else is there? Beatrice? Zara? Eugenie?

Kate-Hater #1: They're rather boring. I mean, what has Zara done other than get her tongue pierced?

Kate-Hater #2: Yes, a rather desperate move on her part. So no Chelsy, Beatrice, Zara or Eugenie. Sad state of affairs then.

Kate-Hater #1: Quite.

While the Kate-haters are discussing their options TCWAFCOWCHE quietly creeps into the house hoping to use the phone to call for help.

Kate: (Whispering to Enrique) Oh Enrique! I'm so happy to see you!

Enrique: You are?

Kate: Are you here to rescue me?

Enrique: No, why should I? You dropped me off at an undisclosed location in the middle of nowhere..

Kate: That was in the past. I need your help.

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) Are you kidding me? You write me out of these episodes, and mysteriously get rid of me.

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: But I did leave your return open. Anyways, Kate needs your help and your presence makes you look like a hero.

Enrique: OK. So what's in it for me?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: What do you want?

Enrique: Credit, creative consultation and my own office. I don't like the cubicle.

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: Done. Now can we get back to the story line? This episode is getting too long.

Enrique gives Kate a smouldering look. He now wears a white unbuttoned dress shirt that shows off his trim, muscular physique. His hair blows in the wind from an unexplained source. His voice has suddenly become deeper with a Clint Eastwood type tone.

Enrique: (To Kate, seductively) Take my hand and let's go..

Will Enrique actually get his own office?...

Enrique: (To Marilyn as she writes this episode) You'd better.

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: Sorry. Where was I?

Will the two Kate-haters ever notice that she's gone? What will royal watchers do without Kate? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal and The Clueless - Episode 11

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Marilyn, the writer of these episodes and The co-worker a few cubicles over who calls himself Enrique experienced some creative differences. The co-worker a few cubicles over who calls himself Enrique (Or TCWAFCOWCHE for short) mysteriously disappeared shortly afterwards. On this episode Kate, in the process of dropping TCWAFCOWCHE off at an undisclosed location, called to let Marilyn, as she writes this episode know, and was subsequently photographed with the phone in her hand. After reading about this in the newspaper at their local coffee shop, the police brought Kate in. Presently she sits in the interrogation room with the proverbial cliched hanging light, which has been strategically placed to enhance the glossiness of Kate's hair. Two investigators, Good Cop and Bad Cop, interrogate her.

Bad Cop: What on earth were you thinking? There are people out there who are just waiting for you to screw up. And boy did you ever screw up! Do you know you could face 20 to 30 years, plus community service for this?

Kate: (eyes nervously darting) For...using a phone?

Bad Cop: We know what you did. We have photographic proof.(He shakes his head for dramatic effect. Gets up and walks away. he leans against the wall and hits his fist against it in frustration.

Bad Cop: (Barks) Where were you on the night of January 7th 1982?

Kate: In utero?

Bad Cop: Don't you get smart with me!

(Bad Cop goes and checks Wikipedia)

Bad Cop: (looks at Kate suspiciously) You've won this round Miss Middleton.

(Bad Cop turns away and goes to checks his facts on Wikipedia to prevent further embarassment.)

Good Cop: (Sits on the table on front of Kate, gently patting her shoulder) Go easy on her Bad Cop. After all, it can't be easy with all of the paps chasing her. (To Kate) Would you like some tea? (Good cop goes out to put on the kettle)

Bad Cop: (Returning for round two. He slams his hand down on the table and stares down Kate) Why weren't you at work?

Kate: I...well..

Bad Cop: You don't have a job, do you??

Good Cop: (Returning with the tea, he places it in front of Kate) Easy Bad Cop, we've seen the strategically placed photograph on the Party Pieces website. You looked lovely by the way.

Bad Cop: Obviously you're scheming and cunning. People underestimate you Miss Middleton. Don't you have anything to say?

Kate: (Kate's bottom lip trembles in an effort to elicit some sympathy) I think I need to call my lawyers..

Whatever happened to TCWAFCOWCHE? Is Kate guilty...of using a phone? Will Kate ever learn how to act? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 10

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate worked hard at looking as though she was working hard. No sooner had everyone fallen for her ruse then she received news that she might have to wait several years longer for an engagement to Prince William. Kate is in a heightened state of anxiety and goes to talk to the uncredited co-worker now demanding credit.

Kate: I've just found out I might have to wait another eight years!

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: You still don't get it do you?

Kate: Get what?

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles ov....

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: My name is Enrique! To the person writing this episode, I think they get it now so knock it off!

The person writing this episode: My name is Marilyn

The formerly uncredited co-worker who calls himself Enrique: Okay Marilyn, I think they get it!

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (reducing the font size to illustrate regret) Sorry..

The formerly uncredited co-worker who calls himself....

The formerly uncredited co-worker who calls himself Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) Can you just call me Enrique? And can you just call yourself Marilyn?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) But how are people supposed to know who you're talking to? It's not like I'm in the room with you.

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode): True, but still...

Kate: (To Enrique) Who are you talking to?

Enrique and Marilyn, as she writes this episode: Nevermind.

Kate: (forlorn) How much longer do I need to wait?

Enrique: The news reports say eight years

Kate: How long is that?

Enrique stares blankly at Kate.

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) You've got to be kidding right? First the stapler, now this?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: It's an unexpected plot twist.

Enrique: (To Marilyn, she she writes this episode) Kind of predictable actually. This is the best you can come up with?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) Who's writing this episode? Are you?

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) No, but..

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) Do you want credit or not?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode gives Enrique nothing to say so he is silent.

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) That's what I thought. Now stick with the plotline.

Enrique: (to Kate) *Sigh* Do you know...how to count..to...eight?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (to Enrique) As if you mean it

Enrique: (to Marilyn, as she writes this episode) But she can't possibly be that...

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) There are people who think she is..

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) I wouldn't say that, maybe desperate, scheming, but not that..

Kate: I'm what?..Who are you talking to?

Will Kate ever figure it out? Will Enrique ever realize he's not writing this episode? Can Enrique and Marilyn, as she writes this episode put aside their artistic and creative differences? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 9

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate prematurely auditioned potential protection officers without success . The front runner, Frank Farmer decided to ditch the security guard gig and go on tour instead. In a rare flash of insight Kate decided something must be done about her image. Upon the suggestion of her mother and a female co-worker who is attractive but not too attractive as to draw attention away from Kate, she poses for a photograph that if you scroll past all of the adorable children, will be put "discreetly" at the bottom of the main website page. As the photographer sets up, Kate is practicing her poses in front of the uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit.

Kate: Do you think I should smile or look serious?

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: Let's see. Show me what you've been working on so far.

Kate smiles. A strategically placed light catches her glossy hair.

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: I think you need to lose the light. Now serious but with an air of professionalism about you.

Kate looks serious as she sees the lawyer, manager and agent for the Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit.

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: I still don't think you understand. How about spontaneously showing teeth?

In slow motion Kate throws her head back and gives her best overpriced sonic electric toothbrush commercial smile

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: Too Farrah Fawcett posing for her famous swimsuit poster circa 1976.

Kate: (furrowing her brow while looking confused) Who is Farrah Fawcett?

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: *Sigh* Never mind. Now look as though you've been pleasantly interrupted at work by someone who just happens to be walking by with a camera.

Kate picks up the stapler and smiles, mouth open mid sentence as if she had just been in the process of demonstrating how a stapler works.

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: You still don't get it do you?

Kate stares blankly and pouts

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: No that just won't do. Now the scheming girlfriend of the heir to the throne.

Kate gives her best Cheshire grin

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: Perfect!

Will Kate ever get the look right? Will the uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit, ever get credit? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 8

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate, frustrated with William's continuing inability to commit to a wedding date, inadvertently injured one of her co-workers. She narrowly escaped injury herself during a 70's themed roller disco charity event. Kate took a tumble and fell on her back. Caught in limbo with nothing better to do with her time, Kate decides to audition police officers for her royal role should William make up his mind. A man named Frank Farmer, who bears a striking resemblance to Kevin Costner (circa 1992) in his role from The Bodyguard, which won a Brit award for Best Soundtrack, comes into the room.

Kate: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Kevin Costner?

Frank: This is my disguise.

Kate: And why do you think you have what it takes to protect me?

Frank: Well, I know how to roller-skate and I can stop a stapler at 20 paces.

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who has just returned to work: Phew!

Kate, still wearing roller-skates carefully rolls over to him and slips. Frank effortlessly catches her and looks deeply into her eyes. Kate also looks deeply into his eyes and starts to sing.

Kate: I will always love you...ooooh...I will always love you...

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who has just returned to work: Thank goodness it wasn't a charity karaoke event.

Frank (trying to remain businesslike): Ma'am this is neither the time or the place for songs. Unless of course I have the job, in which case I'm a countertenor.

The injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who has just returned to work stands up, brow furrowed, and looks over at Frank. He approaches Frank and starts to sing the lyrics to All I Ask Of You from Andrew Lloyd Webber's adaptation of Phantom of the Opera, the longest running Broadway musical in history.

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who has just returned to work: No more talk of darkness,Forget these wide-eyed fears, I'm here, nothing can harm you my words will warm and calm you. Let me be your freedom, let daylight dry your tears.I'm here with you, beside you,to guard you and to guide you...

Frank: Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime...Say you need me with you now and always...Promise me that all you say is true, that's all I ask of you...

Kate sits down at her desk and reaches for her stapler.

Did Frank get the job? Will Kate ever figure out how to use a stapler for its intended purpose? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 7

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate was torn between getting the stapler to work vs being at William's beck and call. In a fit of frustration she tosses the stapler across the office. A distant "oww" can be heard a few cubicles over. It's 9:30AM and she's just gotten off the phone with Prince William, who has made an idle threat to find someone else, ultimately rooted in a deep seated insecurity yet to be explored through therapy. She's crying and decides to call Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsy Davy.

Kate: *Sob* William wants to *sob* put *sob* our *sob* wedding plans *sob* on *sob* hold.

Chelsy: So what else is new? What is it now?

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cublicles over: I think I'm bleeding

Kate: *Sob* William says he wants to focus on his RAF career. *sob* He puts his chopper above all else. If I'd known that there would be three of us in this relationship...

Chelsy: *Sigh* Like I said in Episode 4 you need to like make yourself scarce. Like leave the country, make William, like, chase after you.

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over: Can someone take me to the doctor?

Kate: Maybe if I'd just gone with William...if only I hadn't decided to get some of my self-respect back by working...none of this would have happened...*sob*

Chelsy: No wonder people call you "Waity-Katy"

Kate: It's Catherine!

Chelsy: Whatever. You like need to figure things out. What about a different career? Maybe, like, interior design?

Kate dries her eyes, which unlike normal women whose eyes would still be puffy, now look perfect. A thud is heard as the injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over, who has lost a lot of blood, falls to the ground.

Kate: You're right Chelsy. As God is my witness, as God as my witness, they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again....I'll go home. And I'll think of some way to get him back. After all... tomorrow is another day.

Chelsy: Whatever, Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler..

Kate: It's Catherine!

Will Kate run with Chelsy's career suggestion? Will she check to make sure that it's okay to quote copyrighted text from the classic 1939 movie, Gone with the Wind based on the 1936 novel of the same name by Margaret Mitchell? Will someone ever call an ambulence for the injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 6

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Kate Middleton unsuccessfully tried to change her name to Catherine on all previous and future episode posts. In meltdown mode the Queen realized that Kate needs a job to fill her time. After mounting public pressure, and the Queen's invervention, Kate has finally settled down into a job working for her parents company. Satisfied to get everyone off her back, Kate gets to work. It's 9:00AM. Her brow furrows as she tries to figure out how the stapler works. The phone rings and Kate picks it up. Prince William is on the line.

William: Darling, what are you up to?

Kate: I'm at the office. Some of the office equipment just isn't working, I might have to call the repair person. I didn't know this could be so tiring.

William: Well, don't worry about that. Say, what are you doing in 2010?

Kate checks her schedule. It's fully booked with shopping and parties.

Kate: I'm sorry but I'm all booked up

William: Well, clear your schedule because, we're getting engaged!!

Kate: You've said that in 2005, 2006 and 2007 and we're still not engaged.

William: But by 2010 and I will have made up my mind. I'm sure of it.

Kate: I don't know William...

William: Let's go on vacation and talk about it!

Kate: William, I have important work to do.

William: Well, drop it and let's go!

Kate: I can't William. I just can't.

William: (growing petulant) As your boyfriend, future king and possible husband once I make up my mind, I command you to drop everything and do my bidding.

Kate: Don't you remember what granny said?

William: Don't worry about her, she's too busy planning for the State visit to Slovenia

Kate: But I do worry. We need her permission. Royal marriages are regulated by two statutes: the Act of Settlement (1701), and the Royal Marriages Act (1772). The 1701 Act of Settlement laid down that neither a Catholic nor a person marrying a Catholic could come to the throne. The Royal Marriages Act provides that the marriage of any lineal descendant of George II is invalid unless Royal consent has first been obtained. However, if the Sovereign does not give consent, a member of the Royal Family may, at the age of 25, signify to the Privy Council his or her intention to marry without the consent of the Sovereign. The marriage can then lawfully take place unless both Houses of Parliament expressly disapprove.

William: Remind me to change that when I become king. Anyways, a couple of drinks will bring the old girl around.

Kate: I can't William. I just can't.

William: I guess I'll just have to find someone else then..

Does Kate respond to William's hollow threat born of deep seated insecurity? Or does she stick firmly to her newly grown backbone? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 5

On the last episode of the Royal & The Clueless Kate had a visit from royal girlfriends past and present. We also learnt that William snores. On this episode, Kate goes to Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly's wedding, standing in for Prince William, who is having a perfectly innocent visit to his childhood sweetheart, Jecca Craig, in Kenya. Kate vows to herself to change her image and decides to have people call her Catherine instead.Currently, Kate mingles at the wedding reception. Kate approaches Peter and Autumn in the receiving line.

Kate: Congratulations on your day. You look lovely. And the mini-doughnuts are an inspired choice.

Autumn: Thank you Kitty

Kate: Actually it's Catherine

Autumn moves on to another guest. Peter greets Kate next.

Peter: Hello Kat, so lovely you could make it.

Kate: Thank you Peter. I'd love it if people would call me Catherine from now on.

Peter: No problem Katie.

Kate approaches Prince Philip. Although contrary to popular belief, not mandatory in any way, Kate curtsies.

Prince Philip: Hello Kit

Kate: Actually it's Catherine sir. I'm trying to revert back to my real name - Catherine - Kate is just a nickname...

Prince Philip walks away

Prince Philip: I don't need a bloody lesson you know.

Kate grows increasingly more frustrated. Chelsy Davy approaches Kate.

Chelsy: Hello Cassi

Kate: It's Catherine

Chelsy: What?

Kate: Call me Catherine! I want people to call me CATHERINE!

Chelsy: (looks around, embarassed) Calm down Trina

Kate screams: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Will people ever call Kate by the name Catherine? Will we ever find out what the Queen really thinks of the Hello magazine photos? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 4

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Prince William, Kate and Jecca Craig were left in a precarious position when their ski lift in Klosters broke from one of the cables. Through an inexplicable and conveniently timed rescue effort, Prince William and Kate escaped unscathed. Jecca Craig was rescued but for continuity reasons mysteriously disappeared shortly afterwards. In this episode William and Kate lay in bed. William is fast asleep, snoring. Kate tries to sleep but cannot. Suddenly a knock at the door. Confused, Kate gets up and opens it.

Koo Stark in an ethereal, yet tasteful, outfit stands before her. A white glow surrounds her as her hair blows in the wind from an unexplained source.

Kate: Who are you?

Koo: I'm the ghost of royal girlfriends past.

Kate: The ghost of?..

Koo: Don't worry about it. This was way before your time. I'm here to warn you what not to do.

Kate: What not to do?

Koo: Yes, many have come before you. Well, not with Prince William but there have been many royal girlfriends of the past. You must learn from them.

Kate: Am I doing something wrong?

Koo: No, but you could. Here's some tips. Don't appear in soft porn films. Don't talk to the media. Don't get married to someone else.

Kate: But I'm not doing any of those things. I won't do any of those things.

Koo: Really? Well I wish someone had given me that advice when I was dating Prince Andrew.

Kate: (furrows her brow) You dated Prince Andrew?

Koo: (wistfully) Yes, I know. But he was hot back then.

Kate: I should hope so.

Koo: Oh well, I guess you don't need me. Maybe the ghost of royal girlfriend present can help you.

Koo fades away. Kate looks down the hallway and turns back towards the bed. Chelsy Davy relaxes in a chaise lounge.

Kate: What are you doing here?

Chelsy: Jecca couldn't make it so I'm like the ghost of royal girlfriends present. Does he really snore like that?

Kate: What can you teach me?

Chelsy: (sighs) No wonder this is called the royal and the clueless. Kate, you have to play hard to get. You know, like go to a different country, clear your head. You're like making yourself too available. See, I left and look Prince Harry came running after me like a little puppy dog.

Kate: You can do that stuff, it's not like you're royal bride...

Chelsy: What?

Kate: Umm..nothing.

Chelsy: Okay well, I'm off to Mahiki...err.to study for exams

Chelsy starts to fade away and then fades back in

Chelsy: Oh yeah, you might as well stay awake. The ghost of royal girlfriends future will visit you.

Chelsy fades away. Kate wakes up, startled. She gets up and looks around the room. When she calms down she starts to think.

Kate: (whispering with steely resolve) I must step up my plans. I cannot let Prince William have another girlfriend, ever. I must become his wife.

Kate starts to laugh manically. William wakes up, groggy.

William: What's going on? Darling, who are you talking to?

Kate: No one. Go back to sleep darling.

Kate smiles and climbs into bed.

Will Kate ever go back to sleep? Will William stop snoring? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal and The Clueless - Episode 3

On the last episode, William and Kate discussed their relationship before heading off to a make or break holiday, where they continued talking. Now they are in Klosters, the skiing playground of the rich and famous, favorite ski-resort to Prince Charles, and according to the official website: those hungry for discovery.

Presently, William and Kate sit in the car riding up to the top of the hill. Unbeknownst to Kate, Jecca Craig is riding along. William uncomfortably sits between them.

Kate: (noticing Jecca for the first time) What are you doing here?

Jecca: I'm on holiday. (Jecca notices William for the first time) Oh William, fancy meeting you here!

William: (to Kate) Jecca, this is Kate, my girlfriend. Kate this is my good friend Jecca.

Jecca: (her hair blows in the wind) Yes, we're very good friends, aren't we William?

Kate: (Testy) I see. William, wasn't Camilla a 'good friend' of your father?

William is uncomfortable. They're riding in a double chair-lift.

Jecca: (to Kate) Yes, William is very loyal.

Kate: (to Jecca) Stay away from my man!

Jecca: (to Kate) Make me!

Kate lunges at Jecca. The double chair-lift starts to sway dangerously.

William: Ladies, please!

Kate and Jecca take no notice and push him into the retention bar, which knocks the wind out of William. Kate attempts to climb behind William to get at Jecca. The women continue fighting, not noticing that the rope is coming loose from the track. Suddenly the rope gives way and the one side of the car with Jecca on it drops, perilously dangling. William grabs hold of Jecca, holding on for dear life.

Jecca (to William) Don't let me go!!

Kate: (to William) Let her go! Then we can finally be together!

Jecca starts to slip from William's grip.

Jecca: Don't let me go!!

Will William let Jecca go? Or will it be an unfortunate accident? What, if anything, does Prince Philip have to do with this? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Prince William and Kate Middleton's relationship crisis came to a head, necessitating urgent discussion. This week, they continue talking.

William: Kate, there's something I have to tell you. I think we should cool it for a while.

Kate: But why William? Don't you see that I love you?

William: Yes, but I've got so many things going on...flying planes...dancing with blonde's...

Kate: But our love is real...and true...

William takes Kate in his arms and looks into her eyes

William: Let's make a secret pact, that no one but us will know about until one of our friends leaks it to the media.

Kate: (Breathless) Oh that sounds so wonderful!

William: We need to wait. Put things on hold until I finish my flight training.

Kate: (looks dreamily off into the distance) And then we'll finally be together!

William: Uh...well, yes...then I have to take on royal duties...you know, token charity work...

Kate: Yes, of course. And then we'll finally be together..

William: Uh...well..I have to establish myself in my royal role. That's going to take some time...

Kate: And then we'll finally be together?

William: I'll have my private secretary check my calendar..the earliest would be 2011

On the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless, William and Kate take a make or break holiday, where they continue talking.

© Marilyn Braun 2008