The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 4

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Prince William, Kate and Jecca Craig were left in a precarious position when their ski lift in Klosters broke from one of the cables. Through an inexplicable and conveniently timed rescue effort, Prince William and Kate escaped unscathed. Jecca Craig was rescued but for continuity reasons mysteriously disappeared shortly afterwards. In this episode William and Kate lay in bed. William is fast asleep, snoring. Kate tries to sleep but cannot. Suddenly a knock at the door. Confused, Kate gets up and opens it.

Koo Stark in an ethereal, yet tasteful, outfit stands before her. A white glow surrounds her as her hair blows in the wind from an unexplained source.

Kate: Who are you?

Koo: I'm the ghost of royal girlfriends past.

Kate: The ghost of?..

Koo: Don't worry about it. This was way before your time. I'm here to warn you what not to do.

Kate: What not to do?

Koo: Yes, many have come before you. Well, not with Prince William but there have been many royal girlfriends of the past. You must learn from them.

Kate: Am I doing something wrong?

Koo: No, but you could. Here's some tips. Don't appear in soft porn films. Don't talk to the media. Don't get married to someone else.

Kate: But I'm not doing any of those things. I won't do any of those things.

Koo: Really? Well I wish someone had given me that advice when I was dating Prince Andrew.

Kate: (furrows her brow) You dated Prince Andrew?

Koo: (wistfully) Yes, I know. But he was hot back then.

Kate: I should hope so.

Koo: Oh well, I guess you don't need me. Maybe the ghost of royal girlfriend present can help you.

Koo fades away. Kate looks down the hallway and turns back towards the bed. Chelsy Davy relaxes in a chaise lounge.

Kate: What are you doing here?

Chelsy: Jecca couldn't make it so I'm like the ghost of royal girlfriends present. Does he really snore like that?

Kate: What can you teach me?

Chelsy: (sighs) No wonder this is called the royal and the clueless. Kate, you have to play hard to get. You know, like go to a different country, clear your head. You're like making yourself too available. See, I left and look Prince Harry came running after me like a little puppy dog.

Kate: You can do that stuff, it's not like you're royal bride...

Chelsy: What?

Kate: Umm..nothing.

Chelsy: Okay well, I'm off to Mahiki...err.to study for exams

Chelsy starts to fade away and then fades back in

Chelsy: Oh yeah, you might as well stay awake. The ghost of royal girlfriends future will visit you.

Chelsy fades away. Kate wakes up, startled. She gets up and looks around the room. When she calms down she starts to think.

Kate: (whispering with steely resolve) I must step up my plans. I cannot let Prince William have another girlfriend, ever. I must become his wife.

Kate starts to laugh manically. William wakes up, groggy.

William: What's going on? Darling, who are you talking to?

Kate: No one. Go back to sleep darling.

Kate smiles and climbs into bed.

Will Kate ever go back to sleep? Will William stop snoring? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008