Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Royal Watch - Day 8

Summary for the day:

  • William says royal duties ruining my dreams - Thems the brakes Will!
  • Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie of York to be confimed by the late Queen Mother's chapel
  • [Padding]
  • Prince Charles' old fashioned views blamed for lack of new housing
  • [Insert spacing to make the list look longer]
  • Everyone still alive
  • [Deliberate padding]
  • Mounting costs of Diana investigation questioned

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Royal Watch Day 7

Summary for the day (actually the past few days. I've been remiss in my duties)

  • French woman claims to have Diana's kidney - the ultimate Diana collector's item. But will she sell herself on eBay?
  • Prince Charles speech on demolition of historic houses, labelled "biggest attack on the government for several years" - Who knew politicians were so touchy?
  • Charles and Camilla appear smiley in public - ahhh to be a newlywed again
  • Camilla carries out first solo engagement and little girl gives her a kiss. Never underestimate the PR value of a small child.
  • Queen poses for official photo and *gasp* asked to smile
  • Harry still in military training
  • Diana conspiracy theories revived - as if we could be allowed to forget
  • No mortal wounds or sword fights

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Royal Watch Day 6

Summary for the day:

  • William, the reluctant royal, to carry out first solo engagement in New Zealand
  • Paul Burrell to school contestants in royal etiquette for new Australian reality series
  • Queen and Prince Philip in Canada
  • Royals save millions in property deals for Crown Estates- where can I get a deal like that?
  • Charles and Camilla not pregnant

Monday, May 16, 2005

Royal Watch Day 5

Summary for the day

  • Everyone still alive
  • Andrew plans to sell Sunninghill Park but Fergie won't move out
  • Prince William going to New Zealand with a rugby team. Every team needs a royal mascot
  • Prince Harry to enjoy romantic weekend with his girlfriend
  • Injured knee sidelines Harry from 5k march
  • Prince William building future home

Friday, May 13, 2005

Royal Watch - Day 4

A slow day for British royal news therefore I've padded the list by adding extra spacing

Summary for the day
  • Edward and Sophie still married - doesn't anyone have affairs any longer?
  • Bets on Prince Harry following his uncle Edward's example and dropping out of military training.
  • Disgruntled former employee who accused Prince Charles of unfair dismissal and sexual discrimination loses her case.
  • Lady Sarah McCorquodale (Diana's sister) might be axed from her position as president of the Diana Memorial fund for Franklin Mint fiasco
  • No one pregnant

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Royal Watch - Day 3

This is getting desperate isn't it? I briefly thought about upping the ante and going without coffee for it's duration but I'm not that brave. Coffee and this blog keep me going...okay, I admit I have other nutritional sources and I do go outside for some fresh air occassionally.

Today's summary:

  • Princess Michael of Kent (aka Princess Pushy) thinking of moving to France. Many people will be happy about this development. Who will I write about it this happens?
  • Prince Charles spends time at a monastery in Romania - interesting possibilities but I won't go there
  • Harry photo-op with HIV orphans marred by cigarette
  • Charles and Camilla go on a real honeymoon in Greece
  • 'Cheating' accusations leveled against Harry by 'mentally unstable' former Eton teacher
  • Camilla carries out first solo engagement as a royal
  • Prince Andrew spends $200,000 (CDN) of taxpayers money on a trip to Russia

Monday, May 09, 2005

Royal Watch - Day 2

Day 2 and still nothing to make fun of:

  • Diana fountain reopens with no pomp or ceremony - no canoeing allowed but you can dip your feet in
  • Penny Junor writes another book - I don't like her so I won't mention it's title. You do the work finding it.
  • Queen's Maundy money sold on eBay by pensioners. Who knew the elderly could be so computer savvy?
  • Prince of Wales has his own brand of bottled water, which is outselling the non-regal competition. It's all about the label these days isn't it?
  • Harry enters the Army. Lots of potential for a reality series. Where's Paris Hilton when you need her?

Friday, May 06, 2005

Royal Watch - Day 1

As previously mentioned, the royals are behaving themselves. Therefore, I've decided to start a royal watch, every day, until someone in the British royal family does something interesting. I would prefer if it was an immediate member of the family gaffe, but I'll settle for a minor royal if necessary. This is what it's come to isn't it? Desperate times call for desperate measures. So, I will check my sources daily and try to summarize the more ordinary events. One would hope that this royal watch will not last long, but we will never know.

Summary for the day

  • Camilla meets some Avon ladies and greets them with 'Ding dong'. Apparently this is well before my time because this didn't happen to me when I sold Avon. I've been called a lot of things but 'ding dong' isn't one of them.
  • Queen hosts reception at the palace for 350 Canadians. So much politeness in one room. Apparently this event is supposed to get her "in the mood" for her upcoming trip to Canada.
  • Camilla will have three private secretaries. Maybe one will get sacked and write a tell-all book. Fingers crossed.
  • Charles and Camilla still married

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Ain't Misbehaving

I'm thoroughly disappointed.

I never thought it would happen.

The royals are behaving themselves.


For want of anything better to do, I'm checking my sources daily, watching and waiting for the royals to do something foolish.So far, nothing.Before I started this blog I viewed the foibles of the royal family with bemused indifference. I admit that I'm an inveterate royal watcher, however, I only try to pay attention to the big stuff. Birth's, marriages, adultery, divorces, romances. Death is the ultimate royal event, a veritable win-fall of coverage. But it can't just be any royal, it's gotta be the immediate royals, the Big 5 - Queen, Philip, Charles, William or Harry. Anything further down the line gets a brief mention on the CNN ticker tape. Bad choices of outfit, dogs attacking servants, racial epithets in the heat of the moment, they just don't do it for me. I never thought I would say this, but the British royals are practically boring now. One would think that would have never happened, but the day has come.

I'm beginning to think that I need to look towards the other European royals - the Danes, Dutch, Belgians, Swedes, Norwegians, and Monegasques. I don't want to touch the Japanese royals; I would never satirize the emotional breakdown of the Crown Princess. That's just off limits for me. I don't like it when people make fun of my mental issues. I don't have any but the voices in my head say I'm in denial.

But the other royals are behaving too. The imminent births of the Norwegian, Dutch, Danish and Belgian babies are something to look forward to. It’s wonderful news but not particularly funny. Prince Albert of Monaco apparently fathered two illegitimate children by separate women, interesting but until a DNA test proves anything, it's just mere speculation. Personally, I think Prince Albert is rather dull; he reminds me of someone who works in accounting. You know the type, upper management, eating lunch at his desk; works overtime, comes in on weekends, and doesn't take vacations. So maybe the Prince is even happy about this development; it makes him look like a virile, straight, playboy bachelor, with a penchant for one night stands. The secret life of an accountant revealed. Who knew they could be so wild?

Of course there's always writing about the fall-out of these schenigans (I've always wanted to use that word). The naysayers, partypoopers, killjoys, republicans, coming out of the woodwork to predict doom. What do the republicans do when there's nothing to complain about? Do they have meetings? Monthly newsletters? Rotating shifts? Go to royal engagements to recruit new members? I've always wondered about that. Reports of "devastating blows to the monarchy" are as predictable and fill column space much as my mentioning it here does. But we've come to expect it and it's old news. If the monarchy does come to an end would we really believe it? Seriously, would we? I wouldn't want it to end. Where would I get my material? This blog wouldn't exist. I would have no outlet for my skewed way of looking at things. But what if the royals continue to behave themselves? Then what will happen?

I'll become someone in ACCOUNTING


© Marilyn Braun 2005

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Lunch with Paul Burrell

Paul Burrell troubles me.

Not the kind of troubling thoughts I have when I forget to take my medication, go to work, or pick up my neighbours children from school. No, he troubles me because he just won't go away. I wish people would forget about him. Of course my mentioning him here doesn't help with that, nor does the existence of his website www.paulburrellrvm.com a veritable online love fest tribute to himself.

Lest we forget, he pops up on various reality series', newspaper columns, even his own Broadway show. He recently appeared on the British version of the reality show 'I'm a Celebrity get me out of here" where he had to eat a five-course meal of insects, bugs, worms, cockroaches and kangaroo testicles. A classic moment in television history. Apparently this won him a whole new audience of fans; eating insects is enough to garner anyone's respect and admiration. But I do have to wonder on the etiquette involved in doing this. What fork do you use for the worms? Are the bugs considered to be an appetizer? What would be served for dessert?

I recently came across an article that mentioned a sale on eBay to have lunch with him (note that you may need to cut and paste this link into your browser)


Unfortunately I can't locate it on eBay but apparently the highest bid is 16 GBP (which works out to be about $40 CDN). One would think this is indicative that his 15 minutes of fame is long over. However, it doesn't seem that anyone has told Paul that. He says he does these things in the name of charity, which makes demeaning himself just that much more touching. Above and beyond the call of duty.

Since no one seems to be interested, I would like to offer the chance for people to have lunch with ME instead. You get stimulating conversation and you get to pay for the lunch as well. His lunch offers a 3-course meal and mine offers a 6-course meal at the restaurant of my choice. The charity sponsoring him is also throwing in a stay at a local hotel. I've decided that people shouldn't have to pay for that (unless of course they want to, who am I to decline a free stay) so the lucky winner can bunk on the sofa at my place or (weather permitting) pitch a tent in my backyard. You will need to bring your own pillow and blanket, or air mattress and tent. Who wouldn't want to have lunch with me? I'm a cheap date so you would only have to buy me 2 drinks to get me to open up on the mystery that is Paul Burrell.

If you're the lucky bidder you get:

To hear my thoughts on Paul Burrell
My recipe for chocolate covered cockroaches
2 drink minimum
10:00 am check out from my sofa or backyard
The chance to make me breakfast
My unsigned copy of his book on Diana, complete with verbal review
Bragging rights that you had lunch with me (photo of us together is extra)
Directions to the local bus station

I have to wonder what Diana would think of all of this. Would she have sold herself to the lowest bidder? Of course Paul would need to follow through on the auction otherwise he might lose face. How could he possibly disappoint his remaining dedicated fans that are on a limited budget? I don't have that dilemma, bid whatever you want; a free meal is a free meal. He says he wants to leave the whole Diana thing behind him, step out of her shadow, but will he ever really be able to do that? After all, Diana is his bread and butter and talking about her catapulted him to stardom. Were it not for her he would still be walking the Queen's corgi's. Somewhere, the ghost of Diana is betting on eBay because she feels sorry for him.

Someone needs to tell him that his 15 minutes is up and no amount of kangaroo testicles can change that.

© Marilyn Braun 2005