Wednesday, April 06, 2011

7 reasons why the royal wedding WILL happen, or else..

I recently had someone find my blog using the search term 'reasons why the royal wedding should not happen'. Given that there are only a few weeks until the wedding, this a strange thing to search for. Not that it isn't possible the royal wedding could be cancelled but I think it's unlikely. To reassure those who might be worried, I've decided to counter this question with 7 reasons why the royal wedding WILL happen.

1) The tea towels have been prepared, along with other tacky souvenirs

Flashback 1981: Andrew Morton's book, Diana a True Story, page 64. Diana recalls that during lunch with her sisters she discussed backing out and they replied 'Bad luck Duch' (family nickname), 'Your face is on the tea-towels so you're too late to chicken out now.'  30 years later those words still ring true.

2) We are expecting it happen, therefore it MUST happen

Think of the chaos that would ensue should William, or Kate decide - 'nah, not for me' and bail. CNN would have to pull the 400 reporters and crew they have sent to the wedding. Twitter and royal message boards would fire up, eviscerating those responsible. The UFOs would have to find intelligent life elsewhere. The universe would cave in on itself....

3) The Republican movement needs this wedding

Believe it or not, the republican movement likes the royal wedding. Why? Because it illustrates the excess that the royal family is famous for. With no royal wedding they have no bandwagon to jump on. Then what would they do with their royal wedding mugs?

4) The Royal Family does not need more bad publicity

It's true. They may not even survive the fallout from it. This could be the biggest crisis the royal family has ever had to deal with. Abdication crisis? Big deal. Camillagate - who cares? Diana's death - minor roadblock. It must go ahead, if only to save face.

5) What would royal bloggers and royal watchers (Read: ME) discuss?

Royal blogs do not update themselves, they need material. Without material there is nothing to write about. Once I've we've milked this topic from every conceivable angle for six months, what else would there be to discuss? If there is no wedding then I we cannot predict when the royal divorce will occur. All of the potential topics will be gone. I would We'd have to wait for someone to die in order to recover from the ordeal..

6) Prince William and Kate Middleton would never live it down

There's nothing like dumping your intended at the altar to destroy your reputation. Makes for passably good Rom-Coms, but in reality it's a different story. If Prince William ditches Kate then Prince Harry might just have to step up to the plate. His face is already on the souvenir mug. Instead of seeing this as a mistake, it could be remarkably prescient.

7) We deserve a happy ending

We have waited a long time for this wedding. Endured mystified looks from our friends. Bought overpriced, official commemorative items (See #1). We've followed the torturous ups, downs and tabloid invented close-calls. Our dedication to paying attention to gossipy news stories must be rewarded, damnit!

© Marilyn Braun 2011

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