Wednesday, April 27, 2005

As the tiara turns...

Well, now that Charles and Camilla are married and the furor has died down I'm considering what I can write about next. The wedding was such a good thing because I could bide my time developing non-wedding material. Luckily the wedding isn't the end of the story. I recently read an article on Camilla not wearing her engagement ring just 5 days after her wedding. The writer noted that this shouldn't be seen as a sign of any 'trouble'. I guess they're in the same boat as I am with looking for stuff to write about. Doesn't all of this speculation give you a sense of deja vu?

I could write about impending trouble in their relationship but I think it's too early for that. If Camilla were younger, after a decent period of time we could discuss when the next royal heir will arrive. Since we can't do that we can wonder whether Charles fathered Camilla's children. Unless it sells chocolates and flowers, being in love isn't interesting, except when it's a royal love affair. I've noticed that royal romances tend to follow a fairly predictable pattern. Let's review it shall we?

At the time of the first wedding, the press was practically rabid for information on whom Charles would marry. Early on he made the mistake of saying that 30 was about the right age to get married and they were off! One only needs to look at books on Charles pre-Diana to capture the intense amount of scrutiny he was under; there's even a book dedicated exclusively to the subject (Settling Down by James Whittaker). All Charles needed to do was stand beside a passably attractive woman and he was betrothed to her. This usually happens for most direct heirs to the throne so it's not a surprise. However, by 1981 Charles needed to find a suitable bride, aristocratic and without a 'past' and he was running out of options. Lady Diana fit the bill and Charles duly proposed. Having successfully completed that task I shall continue.

Once the fiancée is chosen, the press laid siege to her private life, going through her garbage, digging up her past

Then they wax poetic about the future bride, compiling family trees that invaribly show that somehow the royal couple are related to each other; something which never fails to trouble me. If they looked into my background would I be distantly related too?

Interviews with the hairdresser, makeup artist, dentist, kindergarten teacher, and shopkeeper who gave her change two years prior to the engagement

Official photos and stamps released. Copies of the engagement ring and commemorative books go on sale

Wedding coverage. What will the dress look like? Where's the dress? Why did she wear that? When can I get a copy? Did she actually vow to obey?

Ah, the honeymoon and things are lovey dovey. One would think they could relax but not so! Speculation on a royal baby begins.

No pregnancy? Why not? Is there trouble in the relationship?

Pregnancy is announced and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. The betting starts. Odds for names, will it be a boy or girl? Media, a curious onlookers camp out at the hospital.

The birth is heralded. When will there be pictures? We haven't seen him/her, is there something wrong with the baby? What's the name? Why did they pick that name?

The press follows them on tours, walkabouts, and various charitable engagements. Coverage includes what the royal wife wears.

When will the next baby arrive? Is she pregnant? Why not?

Repeat pregnancy announcement and heralding of birth

The press follows them on tours, walkabouts, and various charitable engagements. Endless coverage on what the royal wife wears.

"Sources" behind the scenes report on dissention and jealousy. The press prints pictures of the couple looking serious at a state funeral, crops out the coffin, and uses that to predict problems.

Queen labelled a bad mother

Expose books go on sale

Guest appearance by the Republicans

Rumours of separation. Palace issues a denial

Shows of togetherness

Husband/wife sit beside someone of the opposite sex and it's reported they are having an affair

More shows of togetherness

Couple orders individual stationary and take up battle positions

Queen labelled a bad mother

Then if the press is lucky they get caught having affairs and photos appear showing them in compromising positions. No one did this better than Fergie; a tough act for any royal to follow. The couple give their respective sides of the story. After endless denials and exclusives from insiders, they separate and divorce only to start the whole process all over again. The Butler gets a book deal and tv movies are developed. Maybe Dame Judy Dench will play the Queen! So many people making money, I'm obviously in the wrong career.

The only thing missing to make this truly comparable to a soap opera is a kidnapping, coma, illegitimate baby and someone miraculously coming back from the dead. So I'm not completely lost for possibilities. Why, as we speak, the press are writing about William and Kate. At the tender age of 21,Willliam was asked about marriage, and so the hunt for a royal bride begins all over again. What will I write about until an engagement is announced? maybe another royal will do something controversial! With the reports about Harry, I probably won't have to wait very long.

© Marilyn Braun 2005

No comments: