Stop the 24-hour royal baby watch, it's a mood killer

Catherine stands by the fireplace trying to ward off the November chill. Wearing a black cardigan from Alexander McQueen's Fall-Winter collection, a pair of Mark Fast Elastometric leggings, and Jimmy Choo ballerina flats, she  pads over to the stereo system and presses play on the iPod. Barry White's velvety voice fills the room as Catherine lights candles. William stands in their bedroom doorway wearing nothing but his honorary medals and a smile. Catherine wraps her arms around his waist and puts her head in his chest. He coos: "Darling, the succession rules have changed, let's make a baby." William and Catherine go into the bedroom and close the door. The screen goes dark.

Royal watchers lean back from the edge of their seats, eating the last of their peanut paste, and tweeting about what William and Catherine are doing behind the door. At the next public appearance, speculation will begin in earnest as the media desperately looks for any flimsy evidence of success. But in a dramatic twist, all may not be as it seems. Behind closed doors, instead of making a baby, William and Catherine are making a pact.

Catherine: (giggles) Did you see headlines about the peanut paste?

William: That was hilarious!

Catherine: Don't you think it's a bit mean?

William: No, serves them right. The should leave us alone.

Catherine: You're right, it really is too much fun.

William: Next time we're in public, make sure you pat your tummy more.

Catherine: Like this?

William: Yes, and pinch your cheeks beforehand so you look like you're glowing. Also, make sure you smile enigmatically while give me a knowing look.

Catherine: Like this? (she smiles and gives William an exaggerated wink)

William: Not so obvious. More of an imperceptible eye flutter. Anything more and they'll think we're expecting triplets.

No doubt this charade is part of their diabolical plans to lead us on. When we read the headlines the next day, the joke is on us. But this is destined to backfire. The more we speculate, the more intrusive it becomes. Intimacy becomes a chore when we expect every swing of the bat to be a homerun. Who can blame William and Catherine for bolting the door and drawing their curtains in an attempt to escape our 24 hour royal baby watch?

Whether it's a week, month or year (or more) from now, a royal baby announcement will be made when William and Catherine are ready. As we've seen with the engagement, our rabid speculation won't make it come sooner. Media outlets take note, hyperactive reports are a mood killer. When the times comes, a royal baby, like the wedding dress, will be worth the wait.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

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