Fergie's back, and she's feeling sorrier for herself than she ever has before

I've been meaning to write an article about Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York. However, my problem was coming up with a title. Nothing seemed to convey the exasperation I feel every time I read about her.

Way back in May 2010 when she tried to sell access to her ex-husband's soul I thought 'well, now she's done it'. She will fade into obscurity, living on in her daughters questionable fashion choices. Unfortunately she made an appearance on Oprah and all was forgotten. To top it all off, somehow Fergie duped the ultimate enabler into giving her a six-part docu-series called 'Finding Sarah'.

Fortunately I don't have cable, so I can only live vicariously through those who tweet and blog about the show. However I am predicting that there will be a lot of emotional turmoil as each episode tackles a different issue. Sarah will make discoveries about herself while learning absolutely nothing in the process. For instance:

Episode 1 - Finances. Fergie receives her credit card statement and discovers how high it is. Will she pay it or won't she? Guest appearance by Suze Orman, Oprah's financial guru enabler to nag her about it.

Episode 2 - Health. Fergie realizes her cholesterol is too high. Guest appearances by Dr. Oz and fitness guru Bob Greene to nag her. Still has not paid credit card bill.

Episode 3 - Family and friends. Guest appearance by Princess Beatrice to remind us of Fergie's royal connections.  Tearfully contemplates selling access to Eugenie. Oprah loans Fergie her ultimate BFF Gayle King, with interest. Maybe they'll take a soul searching road trip. Expenses everything because Fergie has no credit left.

Episode 4 - Fashion. Guest appearance by fashion expert Stacey London. This is a tougher job than she expected so Stacey recruits What not to wear cohort Clinton Kelly as backup. Sarah is strong-armed into something flattering. Clinton smirks and Stacey happily exclaims: "Shut up!" Fergie still hasn't paid her credit card nor the interest on Gayle. Guest appearance by Oprah via speaker-phone to turn up the heat.

Episode 5 - Charity and lost causes. Fergie is shown doing something charitable, as if to say 'See? There are people more needy than me!' Fergie gets into her limo feeling better about herself. As she returns to her luxury suite, she tearfully wonders if Diana would be proud of her. Guest appearance by a mystified Dr Phil.

Episode 6 - Redemption. As Fergie pays the minimum amount on her credit card she feels a renewed sense of optimism about the future. Refusing to fly commercial, she returns home on Oprah's private jet. Brainstorms titles for her next book. Wipes away tears."You haven't heard the last of me." she proudly proclaims.

Unfortunately, she's right.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

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