Keep calm in the face of Prince William and Kate Middleton engagement rumors

I would advise everyone to stay calm and remain seated. Resist the urge to go to your nearest store and buy the latest issue of OK magazine with William and Kate on the cover. Slowly take your hand away from your purse/wallet. Ignore your Google alerts about an upcoming announcement in November and don't read too much into Kate's no-show at Gatcombe Park, where William demonstrated his prowess by taking photos with his phone.

These stories are just red-herrings because there is no real news about William and Kate (Oh, where is Tina Brown when I need her to illustrate my point?). We can be forgiven for jumping to conclusions, scoffing at these stories while reading every word. After all, what else is there to do?

But as you resist, you become stronger. Capable of reading between the lines of William and Kate stories.  For instance:

1) William and Kate photographed together in actual close physical contact/appearing together at a significant event (Read: They're still together. Phew!)

2)  William and Kate in close proximity looking serious. (Read: Not a good sign, but at least they're in the same frame)

3) Kate smiling enigmatically on the cover of Hello! (Read: Hello! is grasping at straws). There could be any number of reasons why Kate is smiling. It's a facial expression she'll have to lose when she marries into the royal family.

4) William or Kate photographed in separate situations - he at Gatcombe Park, she carrying mysterious rolls of paper while looking determined. (Read: Going about their lives as separate individuals. Or Kate has diagrams of Gatcombe Park to infiltrate the event. She failed.)

5) The cover of OK/Star Magazine showing pictures of William and Kate, with the headlines 'A Wedding Just Like Diana's!' or 'William & Kate's $40 Million Wedding of the Century!'    (Read: Nuff said!)

6) Stories about Kate working. (Read: Don't insult our intelligence)

7) Kate pregnant with William's baby (Read: Don't start knitting just yet)

8) Kate cheating on William (Read: Well, can you really blame her?)

9) William and Kate are related (Read: No worries. Keeping it in the family is a royal family tradition)

10) Specific predictions for engagement announcements and wedding dates (Read: Someone is using the Magic 8 ball again)

© Marilyn Braun 2010