Prince William, just step up to the plate already!

Good grief!

I'm tired of hearing about Kate Middleton's fashion sense, awful (yet significant and prophetic)high school plays where she plays a maiden accepting the proposal of her teenage co-star dressed up as a prince. How Kate will/might/wants/doesn't want to be the future queen of England.

William, will you propose already?

That way we can all get on with our lives.

Sure you may still be young, and have your whole life ahead of you, but think of all of us royal watchers on the edge of our seats. All of us, who in the absence of a royal death, wait for some real news. You've dated for four years, surely you've kept Kate and the rest of us, waiting for long enough. Why, Kate's practically put her life on hold. Poor girl. Luckily you're a prince, otherwise Kate might have moved on long ago.

Forget that this is the most important decision of your life. Or, one of them, should you decide to abdicate and leave it all behind. Forget precedent, that you parent's marriage failed, and the Duke of Windsor lived unhappily in exile. We'll remind you about that later at the first sign of trouble.

As your grandfather said to your father: "Get on with it". So that we can start speculating on when/if Kate gets pregnant. After the blessed arrival, you'll be expected to go on foreign tours. Come to Canada, we love the royal family. Propose for the Republicans, so that they can complain about how much it costs to maintain both of you. Ignore them while we talk about how fashionable Kate is, how beautiful she looks, and how she spends too much money.

Why, you're practically keeping the souvenir industry on stand-by. Think of all the workers, just waiting to make tacky oven mitts. Don't disappoint them. What about those of us waiting to buy these collectors items? Let's talk about the fashionistas. Your mother single-handedly revitalized the milliner, ruffled blouse, pearl choker making industries. Then there are the designers, known and unknown, vying for the chance to make Kate's wedding dress.

Oh think of the professional royal watchers! Penny Junor and Brian Hoey need something to write about; they can only re-hash revelations about the Queen for so long. Why, we haven't heard from Paul Burrell in a while, have we? He can tell us all about what Diana would have thought. He will throw in some sage words of advice about the perils of royal life and what fork to use.

William, what are you waiting for? More medals on the uniform you'll wear on your wedding day? Your Dad can lend you some. You can't possibly be too busy. Yes, you're in the military. True, you've got causes to highlight, token high profile positions in various organizations to occupy and polo to play. But still. What's that William? The concert for your mother? You've got people to organize that for you, so it's not like you're going to be hands on involved with putting up the stage and collecting tickets. No excuses.

What about ME? I need something to write about don't I? I can't keep writing informative royal profiles on forgotten members of the royal family and hangers on. I had so much fun satirizing Camilla's wedding to your father. I could recycle all of these ideas instead of just shamelessly linking to them. All my suggestions for wedding venues, gifts, Camilla's title, not to mention the good advice proffered. It could all be yours if you just get down on one knee and say those four crucial words.

We're waiting William....

© Marilyn Braun 2007