Here's what happens when we invite ourselves to Baby Cambridge's birth

We've waited nine long months for this moment. Poured over pictures of Kate's stomach in a futile attempt to find the meaning and purpose of royalty. Congratulated ourselves when we've read too much into Kate's words and actions, been chastened when video footage has proved us all wrong.

Things that go ping!

Now. Now it is the big day! And lucky us, we have invited ourselves to the Royal Birth - 2013!

[Cue network momentous occasion music]

For the next interminable hours the world will be in labor with Kate, following each contraction. Networks providing exhaustive, commercial free coverage of one of the most intimate moments in a woman's life.  Sonorous voiced commentators drowned out by Kate begging for pain killers and blaming William for putting her through this. We will learn new medical terminology and expensive medical equipment will go *ping!* We will discuss what Kate's hospital gown is made of. Is it too short? Too long? What is on trend for hospital gowns anyways? If anyone can make a open backed hospital gown trendy it is Kate. Manufacturers will rejoice! Designers create replicas for the runway. Forget buying one, the gowns will be sold out before the baby takes its first breath.

All will finally be revealed on this day. Is it a boy? Is it a Girl? Place your final bets before the baby emerges. The camera pans in for a close up view to ensure this is indeed the legal heir. Baby Cambridge's first blurry eyed view will not be of his/her parents but of an invasive public waiting for the umbilical cord to be cut so we can coo while the media feasts on every inch of Baby Cambridge. We will observe the new parents attempt to shield their newborn while a public gross sense of entitlement wrestles with royal prerogative.

The Royal tradition machine will kick into gear. Bells will ring across the land as gun salutes take place. Hello! compiles its fifth commemorative royal birth collectors edition. Cash registers ring. Republicans will scoff. Monarchists will fawn. The Royal Poet Laureate composes verse few will pay attention to. As royal watchers all the while marvel and disavow the circus we helped to create.

© Marilyn Braun 2013

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